About Vanessa-Jane Chapman

40 something year old mother of two. Freelance writer and actor.

When Your Greatest Treat is Butter

Posted on May 10, 2013 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

This is my second memoir piece from the year I spent as a child living self-sufficiently with my mother and another family in an abandoned village in the French Alps, with no electricity, or any modern conveniences. If you missed the first part, it’s here – Sardine Cans In the Dirt
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In my memory it was once every three or four weeks, but it may have been more, or less, often. Probably not at all in the depths of winter. The men in our house, of which there were two, would make the long walk down our mountain to the nearest village at the bottom. They would go on market day. They had no money, but they would take things we had grown or produced on our mountain to trade for things that we couldn’t produce ourselves. They would leave very early in the morning and come back late in the evening. The main thing they would bring back was flour so that we could make bread. Enough flour to bake a fresh loaf of bread every day until their next trip. There was always a treat for the adults in their haul; coffee, and for the next few days after a market trip, the morning air would be filled with the scent of coffee to complement that of the freshly baked bread.

I don’t recall what other items were in their bags, because the only thing us children really cared about, the one thing we would be most anxiously waiting for when they returned, was butter. We made goat’s cheese on our mountain, but not butter. We knew that the morning after one of their trips, and only that one morning after, our freshly baked breakfast bread would be spread generously with the deliciously rich, sweet, golden butter. When your daily food is simple and basic, then butter becomes a luxurious treat.

I would sit with the other children around the huge solid wood slab table, bathing in the glow of the morning sun that crept in through the windows. We sported huge smiles, and our wide excited eyes would be drilling into my mother’s back, willing her to hurry up as she cut up the rustic loaf, then unwrapped the paper from around the heavenly gold bar, and slathered it over the slices. A plate piled high would be placed in the middle of the table; in my mind, it radiated light. Within minutes it was gone, and we would be on with our day.

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Butter Photo attribution – By Lionel Allorge (Own work) [GFDL, CC-BY-SA-3.0 or FAL], via Wikimedia Commons

It’s Tough Being a Professional Photographer at Times!

Posted on April 27, 2013 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

I bet you didn’t know I was a professional photographer did you? Well I’m not, ha! Had you going there didn’t I? But I do have several friends and acquaintances who are, and it seems they have a tougher time of it than we might imagine. Overall my impression is that they love their job, so we don’t need to feel too sorry for them, however, they do have to put up with a lot of crap from the general public. I like those guys, so I thought I’d help them out here by highlighting some common issues, in the hope that people will stop and think before opening their mouths.

Here is a small selection of the types of things they have to deal with…

They receive compliments – “Wow, your camera takes really good pictures!”
That is seriously insulting. “Wow mister surgeon, your knife does really good operations!” Yes, quality tools are important, but good tools in the wrong hands can have disastrous results; if you don’t believe me, then just ask my kids after I’ve cut their hair using a really good pair of scissors.

They receive helpful advice – “You might want to use a flash, the light isn’t very good here.”
Well thank goodness someone was there to point this out to them! Otherwise they’d have been puzzling for weeks about why their pictures didn’t come out right.

They get given the chance to charge less than they are worth – “My friend’s brother’s cousin has a nice camera and he says he’ll do our wedding for a quarter of the price you’ve quoted. Can you match it?”
Oh yes, absolutely. By the way, I have a really nice hammer, and can install your new kitchen for a fraction of the price you’ve been quoted, are you interested?

They are presented with wonderful opportunities – “Would you take some photos of me/my wedding/my kids/my dog, for free? Then you can use them in your portfolio, so it’s win-win for both of us!”
Photographers are by no means the only professionals who are asked to provide their services for free under the suggestion that it will be good for their portfolio, or that it might open doors to bigger and better things for them; actors have to deal with this a lot, as do graphic/web designers and probably others that I haven’t thought of too. I’m not saying that professionals should never do any work for free; there are occasions where it might be appropriate, but to try and sell the idea to professionals as being some kind of great opportunity for them is, again, insulting.

One of issues with photography is that it is done both professionally, and by most people anyway (even if it’s just an occasional snapshot on their phone), so everyone thinks they know something about it. I was trying to think of what other professions are like that – I came up with chefs, and er…there’s photographers, chefs, and…you know, those other ones that are done both professionally and most people do the thing regularly as well anyway.

I will finish with a couple of questions for you; answer them if you like, or not, I don’t mind!

1. Aside from photographers and chefs, can you think of any other professions that are also something that most people do anyway?

2. Do you work in a profession/job where you have to deal with a lot of annoying things like that from people?

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photo credit: Kris Krug via photopin cc

Not So Inspirational Quotes

Posted on April 20, 2013 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

Last time I was ranting about urban legends, today it’s inspirational quotes. I promise to be less ranty next time. Anyway, it’s pretty difficult to engage in any kind of social media without being regularly inundated with trite inspirational quotes. Don’t get me wrong, there are some quotes that I too find inspirational, or at the very least they make me stop and think. And yes, I accept that we each find inspiration in different places, but it’s the formulaic type quotes I object to, and also, I’m pretty sure a lot of them weren’t really said by the people they are attributed to. A bit like the urban legends, I feel that sometimes people make them up for a laugh just to see if they can get people to share them around. There are key words that crop up repeatedly in these quotes:

Light, candle, gift, heart, love, friends/friendship, yesterday, today, tomorrow, happiness, journey, life.

It seems if you can string a sentence together that includes at least a couple of these words, people will like it, forward it, share it, retweet it, whether or not it actually means anything. I’m going to have a go at creating some of my own. And if you think you’re going to have some laughs here with comedy versions, you’re wrong, I’m attempting to create genuine sounding ones to see how easy it is…

- A true friend is one who will protect your flickering candle flame from the storm, while everyone else is trying to blow it out.

- Happiness means opening your heart to what is waiting for you tomorrow, and closing your mind to what broke you yesterday.

- When you fall, it is not always the first hand which reaches out to help you that belongs to the truest friend. It is the hand that never tires of reaching out, however many times you fall. That is the true hand of friendship.

- Love is a journey, it is a gift, and it is the brightest light that can shine on your heart.

- Tomorrow is two days after yesterday. Today is two days before the day after tomorrow. What matters is not what day it is, but which friendships light the path on your journey through life.

- The line between success and failure is determined only by living today for today, and finding your own truth in the brightest star.

How am I doing? Do they sound real? Are you feeling inspired? Would you like a bucket? Now I just need some pictures of sunsets and suchlike to pop these onto, and some famous wise people to attribute them to and I’m done!

Do feel free to have a go at creating your own inspirational quotes below. If you like a challenge, then how about writing one that uses ALL of my key words…
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photo credit: Robbert van der Steeg via photopin cc

This information could save your life

Posted on April 9, 2013 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

I don’t often get on my soapbox and rant about things, but today I am. It’s about urban legends, specifically the ones that claim to contain information which can save lives, or at least protect you from some kind of harm. It completely floors me why people aren’t wiser to urban legends by now. Some people repeatedly forward every one that comes their way, either by email, or on Facebook or other social networks, and it doesn’t seem to matter how many times you point them to sites like snopes or hoax-slayer, they continue to forward things without checking them out first. Sometimes I think they just enjoy the drama of the story but often I’m sure they genuinely believe they are being helpful by passing them on.

If you take nothing else away from this post, please at least consider these things…

1) Just because it states that the information has been provided by, or endorsed by, the American Heart Association, or a cancer research society, or the police, or the fire department, or any other authoritative body, it doesn’t mean it has.

2) Just because it states that the information has already been verified on snopes or hoax-slayer, it doesn’t mean it has.

3) Just because it states that it is definitely true because it happened to the author’s best friend’s secretary, it doesn’t mean it did.

Often people will say something like “I don’t know if this is true, but I’m forwarding it just in case, it can’t hurt”. Oh yes, it most certainly can hurt! Not only can some of the advice in these messages make things worse, but while people are following those suggestions, they are not doing what they actually should be doing. Here are a few examples of ones that I have seen going around

THE CLAIM – IF YOU HAVE A HEART ATTACK WHEN YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN, YOU CAN INCREASE YOUR CHANCES OF SURVIVAL BY COUGHING VIGOROUSLY AND REPEATEDLY. The information states that coughing will keep the blood circulating and help the heart regain normal rhythm. This is dangerous advice. It is true that there is a certain type of cardiac crisis where coughing, under proper professional medical guidance, can help, but attempting to treat yourself this way when you suspect you are having a heart attack can in fact make things much worse, and of course if people believe this information then they may delay phoning the emergency services, thinking they can stabilise themselves first. Don’t do it. For some real information on heart attacks, see here (a British site) or here (a US site).

THE CLAIM – ONE OF THE MOST EFFECTIVE WAYS TO TREAT A BURN IS TO COVER IT WITH FLOUR. No it isn’t, the most effective way to treat a burn is to cool it down. Most people are aware now that the old wives tale about treating a burn with butter or oil is wrong, but they are willing to believe that flour will do the trick instead. Covering a burn in flour will likely make it worse because it will trap the heat in there, allowing it to continue causing damage. There is another variation which claims that burns can be treated with raw egg white, this too is wrong, and this also carries with it the added slight risk of introducing salmonella to an open wound. For some real information on burns, see here (a British site) or here (a US site).

THE CLAIM – DRINKING FOUR GLASSES OF WATER AT THE BEGINNING OF EACH DAY WILL CURE VARIOUS DISEASES, INCLUDING CANCER. That’s right, not simply prevent, but cure. Seriously? People believe this? Apparently so. I don’t need to spell it out here, the risk is that some people could choose this method over proper treatment.

THE CLAIM – IF SOMEONE HAS A STROKE, YOU SHOULD PRICK ALL THEIR FINGERS WITH A STERILISED NEEDLE AND RELEASE A PEA SIZED AMOUNT OF BLOOD FROM EACH FINGER AS THIS WILL HELP CEREBRAL BLOOD FLOW. No it won’t. The main risk here is that people may delay seeking medical attention in order to do this first, and with a stroke, any slight delay can have huge consequences. For some real information on strokes, see here (a British site) or here (a US site).

THE CLAIM – KEYING YOUR PIN INTO AN ATM / CASHPOINT MACHINE IN REVERSE WILL SUMMON THE POLICE, SO YOU SHOULD DO THIS IF YOU ARE BEING ROBBED AT AN ATM MACHINE. Wrong. There was some technology developed a while ago to enable this function, but it was never taken on by the banks. The risk here is that somebody may try to apprehend a robber to stop them fleeing the scene, in the belief that the police will show up soon. They won’t.

THE CLAIM – DIALING #677 or #77 (OR ANY OTHER VERSIONS) FROM YOUR CELL/MOBILE PHONE FROM ANYWHERE WILL CALL THE POLICE. There is no universal number that will call the police wherever you are in the world. Some of the numbers touted will work in certain countries, or in certain States or provinces, but I repeat, there is NO number that works everywhere. So if you need the emergency services, just use the main emergency number for the country or area you are in. The risk here is obvious.

There are many more. So please, if any of these type of claims pass your way, don’t believe them or forward them on without checking them out first. And if you’re not able to verify whether the information is correct or not, then err on the side of caution and don’t believe it or forward it on; wrong information can do more harm than no information, and THAT my friends is information that can save your life.

photo credit: hambox via photopin cc

Vanessa Gets Geeky With Bulldog

Posted on April 3, 2013 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

Born in Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe), South African resident Rob, aka Bulldog, is best known in the blogging world for his wonderful photographs of South African wildlife. As a semi-retired golf green keeper, he has developed an analytical program to help golf course owners save money, and that’s really what he’s here to talk about today. But first, a bit about the man himself. Rob and I are going to play a round of golf while we chat…

Hi Rob, thanks for letting me caddy for you as well as play
No problem Vanessa, can you pass me a 3-wood please?

Er…sure, I know what that is…um…anyway, I understand you grew up in the bush (outback). What was your schooling like?
My schooling, of necessity, was at boarding schools. First Rhodes Estate Preparatory School, which was situated in the most beautiful Matopos hills, a National Parks area, where on weekends we were allowed to explore the surrounding hills, caves, dams and whatever the natural surrounds had to offer. Here is where my love of birds started. Then on to Plumtree School, on the border between Rhodesia and Botswana, miles from civilisation. Again, nature was the main entertainment one could enjoy. Both schools were boys only, I think Dad was keeping me as far away from girls as possible.

I’ll bet he was! How long did that last?
Well, at quite a young age I met a girl, fell in love, three weeks later got engaged and a further three weeks later married her. Forty years on she still puts up with my jaunts into the bush to photograph and enjoy the nature reserves of South Africa.

That’s lovely Rob. Now…oh, hang on a minute…”Fore!”…oops, oh well, anyway, tell me about your career
After school I went into Land Surveying. On one trip I spent six months in one of the least populated areas of the country, an unspoilt nature reserve. This area was crawling with all the wild animals I could have wished for. Elephants that joined our camp became almost friends, hippos used to mow our camp areas on the banks of the river like good gardeners, the antelope that would watch from the river bank while we took an early morning swim with the crocodiles. People today pay huge amounts of money to do what I was paid to do.

At the same time we were fighting a border war with infiltrators bent on taking the country. So stints on the border, as a soldier, became times of searching for terrorists and at the same time, enjoying the birds and wild animals encountered along the way.

Eventually, I purchased a farm, and then later moved on to opening new businesses that became successful enterprises. This took me into the grass and gardening game. One of my three businesses was contracted to look after the local town golf course. Being a golfer, this was a true pleasure and years with experienced Green Keepers taught me all that I know today. On nearing retirement, we sold up everything and I took up a post as a fulltime Golf Course Superintendent on the coast of South Africa. Bliss, golf and nature mixed together as a career.

Ooh, great shot there Rob! But we’d better move on to the program now. Tell me about it…
The program is an analytical tool for calculating the costs of maintaining a golf course. Managers, or shop owners, can tell you what their product costs and why they must sell it at a certain price. They use the purchase price, labour costs, shrinkage and length it stands, and from this they calculate a selling price that will generate a profit. On a golf course, huge amounts of money are budgeted to maintain and improve the course. In South Africa that can be anywhere between 2.5 million and 8 million for a middle range course. But very few managers can tell you what it costs to maintain a golf green or bunker. Or for that matter where exactly this money is going, except for the approx. 40% that goes on salaries.

When a manager is told by a committee to save costs, their first thought is to pay off staff as this is a tangible saving which they can see. But with the lower workforce, the good housekeeping and looks of a course suffer. This can cause less golfers to now play the course. Result? No change in the income expenditure ratio.

Our product helps to show where the money is being spent, or wasted, and where substantial savings can be made. Having used the product, I had a saving of 7% the first year I analysed and 9% the second. Substantial when dealing with a couple of million plus budget.

Well that sounds very useful indeed. While I try and get myself out of this bunker, tell us how you came up with the idea for the program?
When I went full time into the golf industry, I naturally took my business practices with me. At the first course I worked, I discovered they had no records of past practices, or expenditure, I began to record on spread sheets, what I was spending, and where.

When I moved on to the next course where I had a bigger budget and managed a bigger operation, I incorporated more factors, which meant more spread sheets. It became obvious that we were wasting money in certain areas. I changed a lot of the course’s operating systems or methods within my first year. The analysis of the first year allowed me to make even more changes and we saved money. In the third year I was told to pay off three labourers which I refused to do but promised the saving they required. A required 10% saving ended as 9% without a reduction in staff.

I approached my son-in-law, the owner of a computer software writing company, to help me make my system a little more user friendly. He saw a potential market if the program was written correctly and meetings turned into a business partnership, Bulldogs Turf Solutions Pty Ltd. While the software was being developed, I wrote a book for the industry, covering all the pertinent points for legal compliance with the Occupational Health and Safety Act and Environmental Act.

The software remained divorced from my son-in-law’s existing business and was written in the evenings and on weekends. As modules were completed, I sat testing for hour upon hour, discovering errors, logging them, suggesting changes. One of the main criteria was that it was easy and quick to use, no course superintendent wants to spend hours in the office.

As we neared completion we found more and more ways of analysing the data. Making it easier for Managers, Owners or Committees, to monitor expenditure, and see the saving opportunities. The software package grew, and further improved versions are in the pipeline…Vanessa…Vanessa? Where have you gone?

Here I am! I got roast beef and mustard on sourdough bread, is that ok?
What?! I said we needed a sand wedge to get you out of that bunker!

Oh, right..I knew that! I just thought you might be peckish. Anyway, we don’t have time to talk about food now Rob, what stage is your program at?
The software has been tested at various institutions and with the help files and instruction manuals almost completed, it is ready for the market. Named ‘Terratry’ using the word ‘terra’ for the soil and earth we work and walk on and ‘try’ the optimum word for the effort we all put in to improve the outcome. It is not software for outright purchase, but rather for hire on a cloud so that all improvements and newer versions become immediately available for use by all. Training, assisting with setting up the software and helplines all come with the package. We are so confident that the software will aid the courses, we allow them to withdraw at any time they wish.

What is your competition? And I’m not talking about on the golf course, because clearly that is me
Indeed. We appear to have a unique product for the market. ‘Terratry’, is not a maintenance program, of which there are many. It is not a replacement for an accounting package, nor a staff time recording system, it is purely for calculating a spend profile to enable saving opportunities.

And is it available Internationally?
At present we are targeting the local industry. Later we plan to engage a marketing company, to advise and aid in international marketing. Frightening as it is for a “bush boy” to understand the international market, the partners in Bulldogs Turf Solutions, young and world wise, will be relied upon to take us into the future. It will obviously need a few tweaks to suit the different monetary systems used everywhere as well as the imperial systems still used in some countries of the world.

Well that’s enough geeky stuff. Back to food. When I come over and visit you and your wife, where will you take me for brunch?
Oh, it would be such a pleasure to entertain you in my country, where would we brunch? The “Karoo Cattle and Land” restaurant, specialists in preparing the best lamb in the world, the Karoo Lamb. The lamb comes from a part of our country where grass is almost non-existent and the sheep live on the short herbal bush of the semi-arid area of South Africa. This meat has a taste all of its own, ready spiced from the inside out by the sheep themselves. The “all you can eat” smorgasbord brunches are to die for, having nearly everything the heart desires. (Might not all be good for the heart, but then what is a little indulgence when entertaining a celebrity?). After the brunch, Linda and I would take you on a short safari, just to give you a small taste of our life with my camera.

That all sounds fabulous, and most suitable for me. And finally, what are your plans for the future?
We hope the software will generate enough sustainable income, for Linda and me to retire, buy a motorhome and travel this beautiful country of ours. Visit all the parks and places of interest, of which there are so many, and to write an autobiography of my experiences in the bush, with the birds and animals.

Thank you so much Rob, I wish you all the luck in the world with your program. Now, I’ve made a few notes about your game today, do you have a few min…Rob? Rob! Come back!
Sorry, I’ve just spotted a rare lesser crested tern! Must go photograph it…thanks for everything Vanessa, bye!

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Notes
1. The photographic journey of bulldog can be seen here.
2. Original golf photo credit: Wodgie via photopin cc (Faces added by Vanessa).

Open Letter to TV Chefs Everywhere

Posted on March 27, 2013 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

105

Dear TV Chefs

I’ve been unwell for several days and have not managed to do much more than decant myself from bed to couch in the morning, and then back up to bed at night. I have pretty much just watched the Food Network all day, in between bouts of napping, for several days. An odd choice of viewing perhaps when I’ve had no appetite, but having the time to watch so many lovely food shows was an opportunity I couldn’t pass up.

I love your shows, I really do. However, having watched so many of them over the last few days, I have a few comments and requests…

1) When you are making bold statements like “You can cook this full three course meal in under 30 minutes!” please remember that we do not have someone in the background who has prepared all the ingredients, and laid them out nicely in little dishes on the counter ready for us.

2) Lead by example and practise good kitchen hygiene please. I see a whole lot of cross-contamination going on. I know most of the hand washing and cleaning happens off-camera because it doesn’t make for interesting viewing, but I’m sure you can find a way around that. Some TV chefs do. And if you have long hair, please tie it back, yeah?

3) I hate coriander/cilantro (note. coriander is the British word for cilantro). I wouldn’t mention this because of course we all have our likes and dislikes, except that this particular herb brings out extreme revulsion in a lot of people, read this if you want to know more. I accept that a lot of people do like it, but is it really necessary to include it in 4 out of 5 of your dishes?

4) It would be nice if you could show a little, just a little, restraint with your gushing self-praise about how delicious your dishes are when you taste them. It’s kind of embarrassing to watch sometimes. This is not helped by the fact that you are talking with your mouths full too.

5) I’m afraid I don’t own an oyster clamp. And I don’t own a set of 6 different sized double-depth hexagonal loose-bottomed non-stick fluted flan tins either (mine aren’t fluted). Nor a pierogi maker. Just sayin’.

I think that’s it. Overall you’re doing a great job, and if you’re looking for a TV Chef sidekick anytime, give me a call ok?

With fondest regards
Vanessa

photo credit: visualpanic via photopin cc

Did you hear the one about…

Posted on March 18, 2013 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

I once told quite a long joke to an old boyfriend. When I reached the end, he laughed and then told me that he had heard it before. I asked why he hadn’t stopped me if he’d heard it before, and he said “I like to see your face when you get to the punchline and you know you got it right.” Ha!

Telling jokes is quite an art. Aside from just being able to remember them, there’s the timing, the emphasis, the tone, all of those can make or break a joke. Everyone tells jokes now and again, and I think a lot of people can be slotted into certain joke-teller personality types. I’ve gone for a mixture of ‘he’ and ‘she’ in my list here; I can’t claim it’s a completely random choice, I felt drawn in particular directions with them, that’s not to say that both types don’t exist in both the sexes! Look out for these types at a dinner party near you…

Unfunny one-liner guy: He constantly comes out with very unfunny one-liners and jokes, and will chuckle heartily at his offerings. He seems oblivious to the fact that people aren’t amused. Instead he focuses on the one or two people who politely laugh, and accuses the others of having no sense of humour.

The comedy genius: Not only does he know all the best jokes, but his timing is brilliant. As soon as he starts on a joke, we’re already laughing because we know it’s going to be good.

The “What was it again?” joke teller: She remembers part of the joke, maybe the beginning, maybe the punchline, maybe the general story, never the whole thing; but this doesn’t stop her from trying to stumble her way torturously through it (I think I might be this one quite often!).

The inappropriate joker: The more sexually-geared or offensive the joke, the better. The problem is, he isn’t very sensitive to his environment and will come out with them at inappropriate times, leaving people feeling awkward and embarrassed. Call me a prude, but there’s a time and place, ya know? Similar to the unfunny one-liner guy, he will be oblivious to what he is doing and will continue to think he is hilarious.

The laugher: She remembers jokes, but find them so funny that she can’t get through telling them because she is laughing so much. We listen in anticipation with big smiles, wanting to join in with the laughter, but not having a clue what she’s saying.

The spoiler – He will ruin other people’s jokes, either by revealing the punchline before the teller has got to it, or by interrupting and correcting him along the way.

Can you think of any other joke-teller types?

And I couldn’t have a post about jokes without telling a couple -

THE ELDERLY MAN
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer asks, “Really? Who is giving a lecture like that at this time of night?”
The man replies, “That would be my wife.”

THE TALKING DOG
A man goes to the circus and asks the proprietor if he wants to buy a talking dog.
“A talking dog!?’ he exclaims, “Show me.”
So the man turns to his dog and says “What’s the opposite of smooth?”
“Rough” says the dog.
“What’s that stuff on the outside of trees called?”
“Bark!”
“And what do you call those big Elizabethan collars?”
“Ruff!”
“Another word for gossip?”
“Yap!”
At this point the circus chap stops him, “I’ve seen enough. You are clearly wasting my time. Get lost!”
As they walk home, the man turns to the dog and says “Well that wasn’t very impressive, was it?”
“It’s your own fault for asking such stupid questions.” replies the dog.

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Feel free to share any of your best jokes below, just make sure you tell them right ok?

photo credit: cindy47452 via photopin cc

What on earth will the aliens think?

Posted on March 11, 2013 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

Several weeks ago, Anne Woodman wrote a post in which she mentioned how strange the ritual of lighting and blowing out candles on a cake would seem to either aliens or future civilizations. This got me thinking about what else the aliens might find incomprehensible when they come to observe us. For the purpose of this post, we will assume that the aliens in question are…

a) More intelligent, or at least further advanced than us – a reasonable assumption in view of the fact that they will have discovered us before we have discovered them.

and…

b) Friendly; they are here to observe only – that way their observations of us are not clouded by thoughts of wanting to destroy us.

I imagine the conversation would go something like this:

HEAD HONCHO OF PLANET ZOBOG: So, Zxbrz, what do your latest observations of the earthlings reveal?

ZXBRZ: Well boss, they do something called ‘taking a photograph’.

HEAD HONCHO: What is this ‘taking a photograph’?

ZXBRZ: One of the earthlings will have a gadget. Upon his command, other earthlings will look towards the gadget, and freeze their position for several seconds while smiling. Then they will return to what they were doing before.

HEAD HONCHO: And what is the purpose of this?

ZXBRZ: It appears they are capturing a moment in time in order to relive it later.

HEAD HONCHO: So you are telling me they have mastered time travel? That they are able to capture time with this gadget and then go back and relive the moment again in the future?

ZXBRZ: It would appear so, yes.

HEAD HONCHO: Fascinating. They are more advanced than we thought. What else?

ZXBRZ: Tupperware.

HEAD HONCHO: Tupperware?

ZXBRZ: Yes. Tupperware are containers available in a range of handy sizes, perfect for the busy housewife. When the earthlings have finished a meal, they will place left over food into the tupperware containers. They will then place the tupperware containers into their refrigeration units. Approximately one earth week later, they will remove the tupperware containers, lift the lid, sniff inside, and then throw the contents away.

HEAD HONCHO: So they are conducting some kind of experimentation here?

ZXBRZ: That is the only explanation, yes.

HEAD HONCHO: And they are able to analyse and record the results with one simple sniff. Very interesting. What else?

ZXBRZ: Theme parks.

HEAD HONCHO: What are theme parks?

ZXBRZ: They are huge places where earthlings of all ages will gather in their hundreds and thousands. They will spend most of the day there standing in lines.

HEAD HONCHO: What are they standing in lines for?

ZXBRZ: They are waiting to use devices of torture. When they reach the front of the lines, they will be strapped in to machines that they cannot escape from, and which throw them around, up high, down low, round and around, upside down. It causes them to scream and sometimes it makes them ill.

HEAD HONCHO: So these theme parks are where earthlings are forced to go for punishment then?

ZXBRZ: No sir, it would seem that they choose to go there of their own free will.

HEAD HONCHO: I see. So they must have developed some kind of system of self-punishment. That is extremely efficient. We clearly have much to learn from this planet. Observations are to continue indefinitely.

ZXBRZ: And probing, can we start the probing now?

HEAD HONCHO: No.

ZXBRZ: Ok.

Any ideas on what else might be a puzzle for our alien friends?

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It’s nothing that a good hero can’t fix

Posted on March 4, 2013 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

It all started with ‘The Towering Inferno’ and ‘Airport’. My love of disaster movies. I remember watching them on TV with my Dad, probably in the late 70s, and I was gripped. I appreciate the greater sophistication of modern disaster movies, but I still like the old cheesy ones too. It’s not that I enjoy watching other people’s misery…although for that matter, I’m hard pressed to think of ANY movie of ANY genre that doesn’t involve misery for somebody. But there are specific things I Iike about disaster films:

1) They are exciting and dramatic. They build up tension and get the adrenalin going, but I’m not left too scared to go and get a glass of water in the middle of the night after watching them like I am with horrors, or some thrillers.

2) I can follow the plot. I have a bit of trouble following the plot with a lot of movies. I don’t have that problem with books, but with movies I’m not always sure what’s going on in them. I ask lots of annoying questions to whoever I’m watching them with. Or I’ll read a review afterwards and think “Oh, so THAT’S what it was about.” But with disaster movies, let’s face it, the plots are pretty simple. In fact the plot is pretty much the same in all of them – a disaster of some kind is looming, we can see it coming, the hero/ine can see it coming too and they try to warn people but nobody really takes them seriously until it’s too late, it comes, it’s disastrous, everything seems hopeless, but thanks to the heroic hero/ine it’s all ok in the end.

What I don’t like about disaster films:

1) People always die in them. It makes the happy ending less happy when you know that people have died along the way. I don’t want people to die in them. Even the selfish obnoxious jerk who flips out and refuses to do what the hero has told him to do, and instead breaks away from the group to go off and do his own really stupid thing. Even him, I don’t want him to die either. I don’t mind if he gets a little broken toe or a nasty graze or something, but he doesn’t have to die.

2) I don’t like it when they’re based on real disasters that have happened because then I worry that it might be upsetting for the people who really went through it. But on the other hand maybe those people are glad that it has been shown rather than being forgotten about. I can’t possibly know, and there won’t be a one-size-fits-all answer to that one. But my instinct is to prefer the more fabricated ones like ‘The Day After Tomorrow’.

I’m thinking I might like to write my own disaster movie. I’m pretty sure it can be just as exciting and perilous without any deaths. We don’t have to see people die to know that there’s a high risk that they could.

Of course I’d have to include all the classic lines in it:

“We’ll be perfectly safe here.”

“In case we don’t make it out of here alive, I want you to know (blah blah some mushy stuff)…”

“All we can do now is wait.”

I will be sure to include the obligatory gorgeous model-like female who is much tougher than she looks, because as we all know, it’s practically impossible for a woman to be both beautiful and tough, so that aspect is always a real shocker in these films. Any difficulties that the hero/ine has with their spouse or children will be resolved when they discover what’s REALLY important. And there will be an elderly person who is willing to sacrifice himself if it can save others because he’s had a good life (but of course he won’t actually be required to do so because nobody is going to die in my film, but it will be heartwarming just to know that he was willing).

Yep, I think I’ve pretty much got the main elements sorted. Now I just need a story…

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Anyone like dragon stories?

Posted on February 25, 2013 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

Earlier this month I entered a short story writing contest over at Legends Undying. The contest theme was simply ‘Dragons’ and the maximum word count was 1,200 words. I found the 1,200 word count quite tricky to work to because it’s a bit more than flash fiction, but not really enough to work up as much of a story as I would have liked. I’ve also never written about dragons or anything like that before, but I enjoy challenging myself with different types of writing, so I gave it a go! If you’re thinking that this is all leading up to me saying I won, then you’re wrong. I didn’t. But it doesn’t matter, I really had such a lot of fun writing it! I wanted to post it on my site ~~in the hope of getting some praise over here to make up for not winning over there~~, er, because I like to showcase different types of my writing on my blog.

Anyway, congratulations to the winners! If you’re a hardcore dragon fan, you might like to check out the winners’ stories over at Legends Undying. This was my (non-winning) entry…

The Motley-Goons

“The boldest man in all the land, shall be the one who gets my hand. A dragon’s tail is what I seek, this task is not for one who’s meek.”

Princess Ariana stood in her chambers and read the words from a scroll. When she had finished, she rolled it up and giggled. “Gosh, I’m terribly clever to have written this aren’t I? Don’t you think I’m terribly clever Rose?”

“Yes m’lady, terribly clever, and terribly beautiful. You really should be marrying a prince, not a commoner.”

“Rose! You are speaking out of turn.”

“Very sorry m’lady. It’s just that last week you said you were going to kiss all the frogs in the land and marry whichever one turned into a prince first. And the week before…”

“Well I decided princes are silly and weak. I want a brave and bold man for a husband, and that is what I shall have. This proclamation shall be made. Men will come from lands near and far, to take up the challenge, and bring me a dragon’s tail.”

“Yes m’lady. Of course. Only…”

“That’s enough Rose! Now tell me again how clever I am.”

“Yes m’lady. So terribly clever that I can hardly believe it. So incredibly clever that all the wisest men in all the lands in all of time…”

“That’s enough now Rose.”

“Yes m’lady.”

And so it was that on the tenth hour of the following day, the proclamation was made. It came to be known as ‘The Great Proclamation’, and men from lands near and far set out to take up the challenge.

Unbeknown to the royal household, a family of Motley-Goon dragons lived in a deep damp cave, not two days walk from the castle. As you probably know, Motley-Goon dragons are the most magical of all the dragons. Even more magical than the Magical Dragons of Ore, and infinitely more magical than the Spotted Lesser-Toed Dragons of Roon. It is true that the Spotted Lesser-Toed Dragons were once declared the most magical by a pompous knight who thought he knew everything about dragons, but it turned out he knew nothing. It all ended very unpleasantly and the less said about that the better.

This particular family of Motley-Goon dragons was a typical one; there was mother, father (who was quite handsome), father’s brother, father’s brother’s cousin (who was devilishly handsome), and his aunt twice removed. Father always said that if the aunt twice removed didn’t stop being so difficult she would be removed once more, and as every dragon knows, there is no worse fate than being thrice removed. Then there was egg. Egg would become son or daughter one day soon, but for now was just egg.

The magic of the Motley-Goon dragons can be mostly seen, or rather not seen, through their power of invisibility. You may doubt the existence of invisible dragons, and that is not surprising because if you were to see them you wouldn’t see them at all, and so you wouldn’t know whether to believe what you hadn’t seen in front of your very own eyes, or not. They are not invisible all the time of course, they can slip in and out of invisibility at will. There is no greater magic power amongst dragons than this, and if anyone, such as a pompous knight, or a Spotted Lesser-Toed Dragon, ever tells you otherwise, they are wrong.

Motley-Goons aren’t only magical, they are also normal, and can do all the normal dragon things, like breathing fire, and being slain. I’m only telling you this in case you were starting to think they weren’t proper dragons at all. Motley-Goon dragons aren’t able to turn fully invisible until they are one year and four days old. They do turn partly invisible; every part except their tail, which is handy for mother Motley-Goons. I don’t expect you will believe that any more than you believe in the existence of magical dragons at all, but you probably should be aware that Motley-Goon dragons don’t believe in you either.

It just so happened that three months and two days after ‘The Great Proclamation’ had been made, egg hatched and turned into son. On this very same day, a young woodcutter by the name of Richard was heading towards the Motley-Goon cave in search of a dragon’s tail for the princess whose hand he sought. As soon as he entered the cave, the dragons turned completely invisible, and son turned partly invisible. When Richard reached them, all he saw was a small dragon’s tail. He couldn’t believe his luck, and reached for the tail. As he grabbed it, it began to thrash around. “Gosh, I’ve got a lively one here!” He held it firmly and made his way out of the cave, wrestling with the wriggling tail. Of course the rest of the Motley-Goons weren’t going to just sit around being invisible while son was dragon-napped, so they leapt up and ran out of the cave in pursuit.

Although Richard could hear a frightening noise behind him, every time he turned around he could see nothing there, so he ran faster and faster until he finally reached the castle gates. “Princess Ariana!” he called, “I have come to claim you!” The princess heard the shouting and emerged with Rose.

“Who are you? And what is that horrible thing you are holding?” she asked.

“It’s a dragon’s tail, I’ve brought it for you, and now we can be married.”

Princess Ariana turned to Rose. “What on earth is he talking about Rose?”

“You remember m’lady, three months ago you said you would marry whoever brought you a dragon’s tail?”

“Did I?”

“Yes m’lady. That was the week before you announced that you would marry the first prince from a foreign land who built you a castle made out of gold.”

The princess laughed delightedly and clapped her hands. “I’m terribly clever to come up with all these ideas, aren’t I Rose?”

“Yes m’lady, terribly clever,” said Rose, turning to console a sad looking Richard.

For some reason, the Motley-Goons chose this as the ideal moment to become visible again, and instantly appeared. The princess was about to scream when she noticed how devilishly handsome father’s brother’s cousin was, and decided to twirl her hair with her finger instead, because that is what princesses do when they want to look charming. Father’s brother’s cousin was not immune her charms. “My dear princess,” he said. “It seems to me that what you really want is magical adventures. Be my bride, and I promise you that.”

The princess clapped and laughed.”Yes! Yes! I will indeed marry you, how terribly clever of me to think of marrying a dragon!”

And so they were wed and lived happily ever after. If you are worrying about Richard, there is really no need, he ended up marrying Rose and they too lived happily ever after. And as for the Motley-Goons, they went back to their cave, minus father’s brother’s cousin, and I can’t tell you whether they lived happily ever after yet because ever after is an awfully long time for a dragon.

The end.

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Vanessa-Jane Chapman

40 something year old mother of two. Freelance writer and actor. This is my blog.

Author Archives: Vanessa-Jane Chapman