My Desert Island Discs

Posted on February 5, 2013 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

For those who don’t know, Desert Island Discs is a British institution. It’s a programme on Radio 4 which has been running since 1942. Each episode features an interview with a celebrity/public figure where they are asked to select eight pieces of music they would take with them if they were a castaway on a desert island, along with one book and one luxury item.

Rather like we have all planned how we will spend the money when we win the lottery, and we have all prepared our speech for when we win an Oscar (you have all prepared an Oscar acceptance speech right? If not, then I was just kidding), similarly, a lot of us Brits like to select our pieces of music ready for when we get invited on to Desert Island Discs. I hadn’t made my choices before, so I’m doing it now, just so that I’m ready when the call comes.

These aren’t necessarily my all-time favourite pieces of music, some are selected more because of the memories that go with them…

Cheer Down, George Harrison – My Neil and I often have quite different tastes in music, but we both love this song. This is a definite one for me to take…

Maria, Blondie – I love Blondie and I love that when they came back with this song in 1999, Debbie Harry, aged 53, proved that she was still every bit the cool rock chick. This one always gives me a real buzz if it comes on the radio.

Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake (I haven’t decided which recording yet) – When I was much younger I wanted to be a ballet dancer, and this is the ultimate in ballet music. I want the complete Swan Lake here; you could argue that the complete thing is actually several pieces of music rather than just one, but you can argue all you like, I won’t hear you, I will be on my island being a ballerina.

Happy Hour, Ted Hawkins – I saw Ted Hawkins play live at a club in Camden in the late 80s. It was a great night. I’d never heard him before, but I straight away took to this song, and remembered it over the years. Recently Neil and I sang it together (some of you have seen the video of that!).

Band of Gold, Freda Payne – I’ve chosen this one because not only is it a fabulous 70s classic, but it was number one in the UK charts on the day I was born in September 1970.

Fat Sam’s Grand Slam, from Bugsy Malone – When I wasn’t wanting to be a ballet dancer, I was wanting to be one of the dancing and singing girls from Bugsy Malone. I totally could have been one of these girls…

We will Rock You, Queen – This one is a great memory for me of my trip to Corfu with the kids last year, and the three of us standing on bar stools in the evenings clapping and singing along to this. I intend to blast this one out really loud on the island.

And finally…

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life, from Monty Python – I’ve chosen this one simply because I might need it to help me get through any tough days on the island.

Oh dear, I’m showing my age, there’s nothing up-to-date in that lot at all!

For the book, they give you the Complete Works of Shakespeare and a bible (or other holy book), you don’t have to accept them though if you don’t want them. You then choose one more book. After much consideration, I think I would choose a large encyclopedia.

For the luxury item, it has to be inanimate and it can’t be anything that enables you to escape or to have communication with the outside world. You can however have things that start with “Endless supply of…” I would therefore have to pick an endless supply of paper and pens. That has been chosen by quite a few guests on the programme, but I’m not seeking to be original in my choice. Other popular choices have been large supplies of favourite alcoholic drinks or food, musical instruments, or comfort items such as a bed or pillows. I did consider a lighter or a Swiss Army Knife, however I decided that I would be able to make fire myself, and I would be able to make cutting tools by smashing up pieces of rock (don’t laugh, I’m pretty sure I could do those things if I had to!), so ultimately the paper and pens would be more treasured.

And there we have it. I’d love to hear what book or luxury item you’d pick. Or you can tell me some song choices you’d go for. Or can just laugh at my choices…

Picture credits:
‘Vintage Summer’ by Gabriella Fabbri
‘Paradise 4′ by Gabriel Bulla

Five good things I have discovered this Christmas

Posted on December 27, 2012 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

Discovery number 1: A super-duper, handy-dandy, egg timer! Maybe other people knew about these, but I didn’t (and if you did, why didn’t you tell me about them?!). You place it in a pan of cold water with the eggs, and as things heat up, a ring comes across telling you where your eggs are in the cooking process, and by golly it works! I like soft boiled eggs but can never get the timing right, so this is a miracle in the world of egg-boiling…

Discovery number 2: I am turning into my grandmother. Yes, every gift that is given to me or my kids is now viewed by me as a potential donator of wrapping materials that can be reused. So while the kids are ripping open presents, I can be found crawling around the floor collecting bows and smoothing out gift bags. Well hey, it’s not only frugal but good for the environment, so it’s nothing to be ashamed of right?

Discovery number 3: A great Christmas party food recipe. I’m not the greatest cook in the world, I’m not terrible, but it’s all a bit hit or miss. I therefore find entertaining to be quite stressful, so I’m always delighted to find recipes that are foolproof but still impressive. This one is rather decadent – 12 large pitted prunes, soaked overnight in 100ml brandy, stuffed with 100g stilton cheese, wrapped snugly in 12 slices of parma ham (prosciutto), baked for 10 mins, then served warm. The parma ham could be substituted with another very thinly sliced dry-cured aged ham, but it does need to be one with that type of strong flavour, it really wouldn’t be the same with regular ham. Also, keep in mind that with only a few minutes baking, it retains a pretty high alcohol content so don’t be dishing them out to the kids! I took a photo before putting it in the oven, I meant to take an after photo too but forgot. Obviously, it’s all in the presentation when you serve them!

Discovery number 4: Taking a walk on Boxing Day in the rain and cold and mud can be fun if you’re with lovely people and dogs. Here we are; well not me because I’m taking the photo, and not the dogs because they were running off somewhere, but the other lovely people! (You can tell how lovely they are even from the back view can’t you) -

Discovery number 5: That sometimes the best gifts can be the most spontaneous ones. A friend at a Christmas gathering loved a jacket I was wearing and so I just took it off and gave it to her – She was absolutely delighted, and it truly looked much better on her than it did on me. Just to clarify, I don’t make a habit of discarding and handing over items of clothing I am complimented on, but it just felt right on this occasion and it made me and her happy.

I know a lot of you are probably not doing your usual blog reading at the moment, but if you are, did you make any good discoveries this Christmas?

Oh, and just a quick reminder, you still have until 11pm (GMT) tomorrow to enter the giveaway in my last post if you haven’t done that yet – Author chat and a chance to win an Amazon gift card, oh yes!

Who Doesn’t Love a Wion?

Posted on December 12, 2012 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

Before I start, let me just announce that I shall be signing books in Waterstones bookstore this Saturday. From 3pm until security throw me out.

(Yes Guy, I know that was your joke, but I hope you don’t mind me using it! You probably got it from somewhere else in the first place anyway).

Well, today I thought I would list some of my favourite things for you. It all started the other day when I was going through some of my children’s old drawings that they had done when they were small. I came across this drawing my son had done of a Wion when he was about six I guess, and I thought to myself how it really is my very favourite drawing ever of a Wion -

Child's drawing of a lion, with the word 'Wion'

So here are some of my other favourite things:

My favourite words beginning with ‘S’

- Serendipity (Isn’t it just the most beautiful word ever?)

- Shenanigan (It’s a mischievous little word isn’t it)

- Sausages (It’s such a funny word, it always makes me laugh)

My favourite example of festive quick-thinking (mine that is)

When my daughter was little, we went to the Christmas fair at her school. While we were lining up to see Santa, an older girl came over and asked her if she was going to see Santa. My daughter confirmed that she was, and the girl said, “He’s my teacher!” I had a brief moment of panic before smiling and saying “He’s ALL our teacher”. Phew.

My favourite flowers

Sunflowers

Daisies

My favourite thing to do that I can do a little bit but wish I could do better

Sing (You’ll get to see a video of me singing at On the Homefront’s virtual party this Saturday. People will be joining in the party by providing recipes and entertainment and allsorts of things in the comments section on the day, and that’s where my video will be. Why not come along on Saturday and join in the fun!).

My favourite theme park ride

The Vampire ride at Chessington World of Adventures. I’m not very brave with thrill rides, but the Vampire ride has it just right, it gives me a bit of a thrill but without terrorising me. I don’t have a photo of me on the Vampire, but I do have this completely hideous photo of me on a different ride which I am clearly NOT enjoying:

My favourite film about a fish that gets fishnapped by a dentist

Finding Nemo (No, it’s not the only film about a fish that gets fishnapped by a dentist. There’s also that other one…you know that one…what’s it called?…well anyway, there ARE others, I just can’t remember them right now).

I think that’s enough favourites for now, but I feel there may be a favourites part 2 coming in the future…

What are your favourite favourites? (Or favorite favorites if you’re American)

Life’s great mysteries. Well, they’re not that great, but they are mysteries.

Posted on November 27, 2012 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

I promise there are no more videos of me singing today, although I can’t promise there won’t be more in the future. No, today we’re going to look at some little everyday mysteries that I ponder on.

1) Why is it that when you’re getting ready to go out, the closer it gets to the time you have to leave, the faster time passes?

2) Why is it so hard to say ‘Irish wristwatch’? Go on, try it, I’ll wait…

3) What is the magic power contained within the email ‘send’ button which enables you to instantly see every typo, forgotten attachment, or other mistake you have made, which you completely failed to spot, right up until the very second you pressed it?

4) Why is it that you can’t stick your tongue out when you’re looking straight up at the ceiling?

5) Ok, I lied about number 4, but it gave me a good laugh imagining you all trying it.

6) Why do vets insist on pairing your pet’s name with your last name, and then announcing it loudly in the waiting room, when they must know how embarrassing it is? My Dad was never very keen on having to take his old cat to the vet, knowing he’d have to sit there waiting to hear “Pudding Chapman!”

7) Why do warning labels state the obvious? On the back of my beer bottle the other night, I saw it said ‘Do not drink while trying to conceive.’ Well no, you’d spill it wouldn’t you!

Have you been pondering any little mysteries lately?

Four things that make me say “Seriously, how do you do that?”

Posted on November 1, 2012 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

1) Walk along the street reading a book: I have recently witnessed two people, on separate occasions, walking along the street, at quite a pace I might add, engrossed in reading a novel. How does that work? How can you be engaged with the story, while also being sure you’re walking in the right direction, and not bumping into anybody or stepping in anything unpleasant? Seriously, how do you do that?

2) Take an hour or more to put on make-up: It is not uncommon for some people to spend an hour or more putting on their make-up. If you’re being made-up as a character to go with a costume, fair enough, it can take some time, but standard make-up for day wear, or even an evening out takes me 10 minutes, not even that on some rushed work mornings. I genuinely cannot imagine what somebody actually does to fill an hour when making themselves up. If you’re one of those people who can do that, I ask you, seriously, how do you do that?

3) Work in Lush: For anybody who is not familiar, Lush is a chain of stores selling fresh handmade cosmetics and soaps etc. It’s a fun shop to visit; it’s like a candy store with big slabs of soap and products piled high, all colourful and fruity. The problem is the products are so overpoweringly scented that after just a few minutes inside one of their stores, I start to feel light-headed and queasy, and I’m not one of those overly sensitive types I assure you. I just can’t imagine how people manage to work a whole day in there. If you work in Lush, then seriously, how do you do that?

4) Jump out of a perfectly good plane…more than once: Yep, I did skydiving once and once was enough. Now if you think I’m just including this to show off about how brave I was, you are very much mistaken. I was not in the least bit brave. I was a terrified wuss. The only reason I was able to jump out of the plane at all was because I was strapped to a guy, and he jumped, so I really had no choice. It certainly didn’t enhance my experience when the guy tried to open the parachute and discovered that it hadn’t been packed correctly, so the cords were twisted together and the parachute didn’t open properly. That’s right, I said THE PARACHUTE DIDN’T OPEN PROPERLY!!! The guy managed to somehow pull and wiggle the cords whilst muttering things like “Come on damn it!”, and after what seemed like a lifetime, it opened fully. Have a look at the picture below, yes, that is me and the guy hanging underneath a NOT PROPERLY OPENING PARACHUTE!!! You can see how the cords are twisted. Look at the second picture of us coming in to land and compare how the parachute should look when it’s properly open. So yeah, jumping out of a perfectly good plane…more than once, seriously, how do you do that?

What makes you say “Seriously, how do you do that?”

Part two of silly things (and it’s not just me this time)

Posted on October 29, 2012 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

Before I launch into trivial matters, I’d just like to say to everyone affected by the hurricane – please take care, I’m sending you good thoughts.

A couple of weeks ago I told you about some silly things I have done. After posting, I remembered some other things, so here is a part two. I thought it only fair that if I am going to publicly ridicule myself, I should also publicly ridicule my friends too, so this list includes one of those.

1) A few years ago I was staying with a friend who had just bought a new Sat Nav (or GPS if you’re outside the UK and don’t call it Sat Nav). Just before bedtime, she brought it into the living room to show me how it worked, and then forgot to switch it off. I was sleeping on a large inflatable mattress in the living room that night. Shortly after I settled down, the Sat Nav spoke, “Please turn around” it said. In my half asleep state, I thought it was the mattress talking to me, so I turned around. I assumed it must be a highly sophisticated inflatable mattress which assessed your sleeping position, and suggested a better one. For what seemed like the whole rest of the night, every so often, it would pipe up with “Please turn around”, each time waking me up, and each time making me more and more frustrated. I can’t tell you the range of different sleeping positions I tried that night, whilst muttering with increasing anger “There! Is this better?!”.

2) A friend once had cause to send an email to a guy she had had a major crush on for years. The purpose of the email was a practical matter, but she wanted to word it exactly right so that it would leave the door open to possibilities, but without her actually revealing that she liked him. She spent over two hours composing the email. She did things like changed her story about how she had got his email address, she removed punctuation and capital letters to give the impression she had rattled it out in a rush, she put jokes in and then took them out. Each time she saved it to drafts. Finally she was happy and sent it off. Later that day she looked in her sent mail and discovered that she had accidentally sent him every single one of the different versions of the email over the two hour period, instead of just saving them to drafts each time! Oops.

3) Two recent occurrences in my local branch of Marks & Spencer:

a) A few weeks ago I was in the M&S changing rooms trying on a dress. While pulling it over my head, my arm somehow became entangled in the orange emergency cord and I set off the alarm. An assistant had to come and help untangle me, and cancel the alarm.

b) A few days later I was standing in line at M&S to pay for some underwear. A male sales assistant approached me and said “Shall I take those from you?” I must have looked a little concerned because he added “It’s ok, I do work here”. This set me off giggling, and not just a quick giggle, no, one of those embarrassing increasingly hysterical laughs, which carried on the whole time he was serving me, and which I was unable to stop. To his credit, he tried to humour me by joining in with a little chuckle every so often.

I’m not sure if I’m allowed back in Marks & Spencer.

I have more, but this post is long enough already, so it looks like there’ll be a part three (bet you can’t wait).

Be safe out there people.

Five things I would like to do to a stranger

Posted on October 23, 2012 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

Some of these I’ve seen elsewhere, and some I thought of all by myself.

I dare myself to do the following (when I’m feeling brave enough) -

1) Run into a shop and ask someone who works there what year it is. When they reply, throw my arms in the air and shriek “Eureka! It worked!”. Then run out again.

2) If a stranger stops to ask me something (the time, directions, whatever), look at them wide-eyed and then whisper “You mean you can see me?”.

3) Go to a cash machine and withdraw a load of cash from my account, then turn round to the next person in line and excitedly wave the money at them shouting “I won! I won!”.

4) Go to a fast food drive through window, one where you go right to a window to order, not one where you talk at a box. Start trying to give my order without opening my car window. However much the person keeps gesturing or shouting for me to open my window, just keep looking confused, putting my hand to my ear, and mouthing the words “I can’t hear you”.

5) If ever I’m in a restaurant where someone at another table has a dish that the waiter sets light to at the table, rush over with a glass of water shouting “It’s ok, I’ve got it!”.

What do you dare yourself to do?

A list of silly things I’ve done – provided here for your amusement

Posted on October 16, 2012 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

This may surprise you, but amongst those who know me in real life, I am known for occasionally doing silly things – I can tell you’re surprised, right? Here are five of them…

1) I once threw water from a plastic cup at my ear during a particularly hectic morning at work – the phone rang and I grabbed the plastic cup instead of the receiver.

2) About 18 months ago I had a bit of a car accident, nobody else involved, I just lost control of the car on a bend. The car spun round and hit a barrier and sign. I took a photo of the sign afterwards which is the photo at the top of this post. Can you read what it says?

3) On one occasion I took my car to a car wash. The machine was just about to start up when I noticed that I hadn’t yet closed my window. I had an old car at the time which didn’t have electric windows. I grabbed the window winding handle so forcefully that it came off in my hand, and there was no immediate way to fix it back on. There were others in the passenger seat and back of car, so I couldn’t really go anywhere else in the car; I had to sit in my seat getting soaked. Of course, as you can imagine, the laughter in that car during those few minutes more than made up for any inconvenience!

4) During a head-first slide down a water slide at Wet ‘n Wild water park a few years ago, I was concerned that I might lose my sunglasses. As I crashed into the water, my sunglasses flew off and I managed to grab them. I was so excited about not losing them, that I failed to notice my bikini top had come down leaving me fully exposed. My friend on the other side of the exit pool was laughing and gesturing to try and let me know, but I just thought she was as excited as I was about my not having lost my sunglasses. So I just bounded (and bounced!) through the water waving my sunglasess in the air and grinning madly, right past the line of people who were waiting for the slide. I’m pretty sure they must have thought I was deliberately streaking because of all that enthusiastic bounding and grinning and waving of my sunglasses in the air.

5) While walking into a shop with a big open doorway, my foot accidentally kicked an empty Coke can into the shop. There were several people waiting at the till and they looked round as they heard the clatter. In hindsight, I should have just picked the can up to dispose of it, but no, I decided that it would be a good idea to kick the can back out of the shop first. I tried, but it shot off in a different direction, so I then had several more attempts of kicking it around before looking up, and realising from the bemused looks on everyone’s faces, that they clearly thought I was playing with the can, kicking it around, tackling it. It must have looked particularly odd as I was dressed smartly in a work suit and heels.

So there you are. Do share your own tales of silliness so that I know I’m not alone!

Three tips to stop the kids from eating your chocolate

Posted on September 28, 2012 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

After all the scary spider and alien talk in my last post I thought I’d talk about something a little more pleasant today, chocolate. If you don’t have kids, then you probably don’t realise how tricky it can be for parents to indulge in their favourite naughty snacks when they don’t want the kids to have any. If you’re a parent, you know what I’m talking about. The frantic shoveling of goodies into your mouth while the kids are distracted by something, the secret stash you keep in the car. We have to get sneaky right? Here are my three tips for stopping the kids from eating your chocolate:

1. Find a really good hiding place for it

I’m going to save you the trouble of trying to find your own really good hiding place. After years of failed experimentation, you can take it from me that I have found THE best hiding place for your chocolate. Are you ready for it? It’s inside an empty cereal box, of a variety of cereal that the kids don’t like. You can then safely leave the box in the cupboard next to the rest of the cereal, and they won’t touch it. The added advantage with this is that if you’re bored you can amuse yourself by waving the box at the kids and saying “Are you sure you don’t want any of this?”. It’s such fun, try it.

2. Lie to them about what you’re eating

Of course you can only get away with this while they are still young enough to believe every word you say, and you should take advantage of that whenever you can. Try one of these phrases, or come up with one of your own:

“This? No, this isn’t chocolate, this is a brown vegetable bar”.

“Oh no, you wouldn’t like this type of chocolate, it’s very spicy”.

“This is a special chocolate bar that only adults are allowed to eat, you can have some if you want, but if the police find out you could be in trouble”.

3. Teach them about alternatives

Teach your kids that healthy snacks such as nuts, seeds, and apples can be every bit as delicious as chocolate…oh who am I kidding? I don’t even believe that myself. Ok, so it turns out I only had two tips then, but they’re pretty good ones right?

I know this all might seem very cruel, but remember it is for their own good – you don’t want them eating all that fat and sugar, not when you want it all for yourself anyway.

Happy chocolate eating!

Today I am the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything

Posted on September 18, 2012 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

For years I’ve been telling people that I had my first birthday in Ibiza. It turns out that I actually had my first birthday in Austria. I did however go to Ibiza when I was 18 months old, so you can see how the confusion arose; my memory of that time is a little hazy. On that first birthday, in Austria, not Ibiza, Austria, I had a cake, with a candle. Apparently, after the rendition of ‘Happy Birthday’ had been sung, the candle had been blown out, and some cake had been eaten, I jumped down from my chair and walked across the room, and that was my very first time of walking! All it took was some cake, if only they’d known. I believe the above photo is from that actual day. Looking at me there, I’m surprised I managed to even get down from my chair, let alone walk across the room!

Today is my birthday again. I’ve had others in between of course (you knew that right?), but today’s birthday is even more epic than that very epic first birthday. You’ve probably worked out already that I’m 42 by the title of this post. I had almost overlooked the significance of this birthday until I read a post over at Slouching Towards Thatcham. Yes, today, and for a whole year, I shall be the fount of all knowledge and wisdom. If ever there was a time to seek guidance from me on any troubling matters, this is it.

What will I do with all this power? It’s quite a responsibility. Here is a list of things I must prepare myself for:

1) World leaders will no doubt call upon me to resolve political and humanitarian crisises (I should probably learn what the plural of crisis is before that happens).

2) The scientific community will come to me for guidance on how to address the escalating environmental concerns we face.

3) Companies such as Microsoft, Apple and Nokia will want me to test out their new products and gadgets prior to release.

4) International publishers will be competing for the rights to publish my memoirs.

5) My children will realise how lucky they are to have me as their mother in this year of power, and will tidy their rooms without me having to ask (ok, maybe I’m just getting into crazy-talk now).

But for today, I shall simply recreate that very first birthday by having some cake, maybe this time with the addition of some birthday refreshments (hic!), and then once again attempt to get down from my chair and stagger across the room. Happy birthday to me…happy birthday to me…

Vanessa-Jane Chapman

40 something year old mother of two. Freelance writer and actor. This is my blog.

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