It’s Tough Being a Professional Photographer at Times!

Posted on April 27, 2013 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

I bet you didn’t know I was a professional photographer did you? Well I’m not, ha! Had you going there didn’t I? But I do have several friends and acquaintances who are, and it seems they have a tougher time of it than we might imagine. Overall my impression is that they love their job, so we don’t need to feel too sorry for them, however, they do have to put up with a lot of crap from the general public. I like those guys, so I thought I’d help them out here by highlighting some common issues, in the hope that people will stop and think before opening their mouths.

Here is a small selection of the types of things they have to deal with…

They receive compliments – “Wow, your camera takes really good pictures!”
That is seriously insulting. “Wow mister surgeon, your knife does really good operations!” Yes, quality tools are important, but good tools in the wrong hands can have disastrous results; if you don’t believe me, then just ask my kids after I’ve cut their hair using a really good pair of scissors.

They receive helpful advice – “You might want to use a flash, the light isn’t very good here.”
Well thank goodness someone was there to point this out to them! Otherwise they’d have been puzzling for weeks about why their pictures didn’t come out right.

They get given the chance to charge less than they are worth – “My friend’s brother’s cousin has a nice camera and he says he’ll do our wedding for a quarter of the price you’ve quoted. Can you match it?”
Oh yes, absolutely. By the way, I have a really nice hammer, and can install your new kitchen for a fraction of the price you’ve been quoted, are you interested?

They are presented with wonderful opportunities – “Would you take some photos of me/my wedding/my kids/my dog, for free? Then you can use them in your portfolio, so it’s win-win for both of us!”
Photographers are by no means the only professionals who are asked to provide their services for free under the suggestion that it will be good for their portfolio, or that it might open doors to bigger and better things for them; actors have to deal with this a lot, as do graphic/web designers and probably others that I haven’t thought of too. I’m not saying that professionals should never do any work for free; there are occasions where it might be appropriate, but to try and sell the idea to professionals as being some kind of great opportunity for them is, again, insulting.

One of issues with photography is that it is done both professionally, and by most people anyway (even if it’s just an occasional snapshot on their phone), so everyone thinks they know something about it. I was trying to think of what other professions are like that – I came up with chefs, and er…there’s photographers, chefs, and…you know, those other ones that are done both professionally and most people do the thing regularly as well anyway.

I will finish with a couple of questions for you; answer them if you like, or not, I don’t mind!

1. Aside from photographers and chefs, can you think of any other professions that are also something that most people do anyway?

2. Do you work in a profession/job where you have to deal with a lot of annoying things like that from people?

——————————

photo credit: Kris Krug via photopin cc

Vanessa Gets Geeky With Bulldog

Posted on April 3, 2013 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

Born in Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe), South African resident Rob, aka Bulldog, is best known in the blogging world for his wonderful photographs of South African wildlife. As a semi-retired golf green keeper, he has developed an analytical program to help golf course owners save money, and that’s really what he’s here to talk about today. But first, a bit about the man himself. Rob and I are going to play a round of golf while we chat…

Hi Rob, thanks for letting me caddy for you as well as play
No problem Vanessa, can you pass me a 3-wood please?

Er…sure, I know what that is…um…anyway, I understand you grew up in the bush (outback). What was your schooling like?
My schooling, of necessity, was at boarding schools. First Rhodes Estate Preparatory School, which was situated in the most beautiful Matopos hills, a National Parks area, where on weekends we were allowed to explore the surrounding hills, caves, dams and whatever the natural surrounds had to offer. Here is where my love of birds started. Then on to Plumtree School, on the border between Rhodesia and Botswana, miles from civilisation. Again, nature was the main entertainment one could enjoy. Both schools were boys only, I think Dad was keeping me as far away from girls as possible.

I’ll bet he was! How long did that last?
Well, at quite a young age I met a girl, fell in love, three weeks later got engaged and a further three weeks later married her. Forty years on she still puts up with my jaunts into the bush to photograph and enjoy the nature reserves of South Africa.

That’s lovely Rob. Now…oh, hang on a minute…”Fore!”…oops, oh well, anyway, tell me about your career
After school I went into Land Surveying. On one trip I spent six months in one of the least populated areas of the country, an unspoilt nature reserve. This area was crawling with all the wild animals I could have wished for. Elephants that joined our camp became almost friends, hippos used to mow our camp areas on the banks of the river like good gardeners, the antelope that would watch from the river bank while we took an early morning swim with the crocodiles. People today pay huge amounts of money to do what I was paid to do.

At the same time we were fighting a border war with infiltrators bent on taking the country. So stints on the border, as a soldier, became times of searching for terrorists and at the same time, enjoying the birds and wild animals encountered along the way.

Eventually, I purchased a farm, and then later moved on to opening new businesses that became successful enterprises. This took me into the grass and gardening game. One of my three businesses was contracted to look after the local town golf course. Being a golfer, this was a true pleasure and years with experienced Green Keepers taught me all that I know today. On nearing retirement, we sold up everything and I took up a post as a fulltime Golf Course Superintendent on the coast of South Africa. Bliss, golf and nature mixed together as a career.

Ooh, great shot there Rob! But we’d better move on to the program now. Tell me about it…
The program is an analytical tool for calculating the costs of maintaining a golf course. Managers, or shop owners, can tell you what their product costs and why they must sell it at a certain price. They use the purchase price, labour costs, shrinkage and length it stands, and from this they calculate a selling price that will generate a profit. On a golf course, huge amounts of money are budgeted to maintain and improve the course. In South Africa that can be anywhere between 2.5 million and 8 million for a middle range course. But very few managers can tell you what it costs to maintain a golf green or bunker. Or for that matter where exactly this money is going, except for the approx. 40% that goes on salaries.

When a manager is told by a committee to save costs, their first thought is to pay off staff as this is a tangible saving which they can see. But with the lower workforce, the good housekeeping and looks of a course suffer. This can cause less golfers to now play the course. Result? No change in the income expenditure ratio.

Our product helps to show where the money is being spent, or wasted, and where substantial savings can be made. Having used the product, I had a saving of 7% the first year I analysed and 9% the second. Substantial when dealing with a couple of million plus budget.

Well that sounds very useful indeed. While I try and get myself out of this bunker, tell us how you came up with the idea for the program?
When I went full time into the golf industry, I naturally took my business practices with me. At the first course I worked, I discovered they had no records of past practices, or expenditure, I began to record on spread sheets, what I was spending, and where.

When I moved on to the next course where I had a bigger budget and managed a bigger operation, I incorporated more factors, which meant more spread sheets. It became obvious that we were wasting money in certain areas. I changed a lot of the course’s operating systems or methods within my first year. The analysis of the first year allowed me to make even more changes and we saved money. In the third year I was told to pay off three labourers which I refused to do but promised the saving they required. A required 10% saving ended as 9% without a reduction in staff.

I approached my son-in-law, the owner of a computer software writing company, to help me make my system a little more user friendly. He saw a potential market if the program was written correctly and meetings turned into a business partnership, Bulldogs Turf Solutions Pty Ltd. While the software was being developed, I wrote a book for the industry, covering all the pertinent points for legal compliance with the Occupational Health and Safety Act and Environmental Act.

The software remained divorced from my son-in-law’s existing business and was written in the evenings and on weekends. As modules were completed, I sat testing for hour upon hour, discovering errors, logging them, suggesting changes. One of the main criteria was that it was easy and quick to use, no course superintendent wants to spend hours in the office.

As we neared completion we found more and more ways of analysing the data. Making it easier for Managers, Owners or Committees, to monitor expenditure, and see the saving opportunities. The software package grew, and further improved versions are in the pipeline…Vanessa…Vanessa? Where have you gone?

Here I am! I got roast beef and mustard on sourdough bread, is that ok?
What?! I said we needed a sand wedge to get you out of that bunker!

Oh, right..I knew that! I just thought you might be peckish. Anyway, we don’t have time to talk about food now Rob, what stage is your program at?
The software has been tested at various institutions and with the help files and instruction manuals almost completed, it is ready for the market. Named ‘Terratry’ using the word ‘terra’ for the soil and earth we work and walk on and ‘try’ the optimum word for the effort we all put in to improve the outcome. It is not software for outright purchase, but rather for hire on a cloud so that all improvements and newer versions become immediately available for use by all. Training, assisting with setting up the software and helplines all come with the package. We are so confident that the software will aid the courses, we allow them to withdraw at any time they wish.

What is your competition? And I’m not talking about on the golf course, because clearly that is me
Indeed. We appear to have a unique product for the market. ‘Terratry’, is not a maintenance program, of which there are many. It is not a replacement for an accounting package, nor a staff time recording system, it is purely for calculating a spend profile to enable saving opportunities.

And is it available Internationally?
At present we are targeting the local industry. Later we plan to engage a marketing company, to advise and aid in international marketing. Frightening as it is for a “bush boy” to understand the international market, the partners in Bulldogs Turf Solutions, young and world wise, will be relied upon to take us into the future. It will obviously need a few tweaks to suit the different monetary systems used everywhere as well as the imperial systems still used in some countries of the world.

Well that’s enough geeky stuff. Back to food. When I come over and visit you and your wife, where will you take me for brunch?
Oh, it would be such a pleasure to entertain you in my country, where would we brunch? The “Karoo Cattle and Land” restaurant, specialists in preparing the best lamb in the world, the Karoo Lamb. The lamb comes from a part of our country where grass is almost non-existent and the sheep live on the short herbal bush of the semi-arid area of South Africa. This meat has a taste all of its own, ready spiced from the inside out by the sheep themselves. The “all you can eat” smorgasbord brunches are to die for, having nearly everything the heart desires. (Might not all be good for the heart, but then what is a little indulgence when entertaining a celebrity?). After the brunch, Linda and I would take you on a short safari, just to give you a small taste of our life with my camera.

That all sounds fabulous, and most suitable for me. And finally, what are your plans for the future?
We hope the software will generate enough sustainable income, for Linda and me to retire, buy a motorhome and travel this beautiful country of ours. Visit all the parks and places of interest, of which there are so many, and to write an autobiography of my experiences in the bush, with the birds and animals.

Thank you so much Rob, I wish you all the luck in the world with your program. Now, I’ve made a few notes about your game today, do you have a few min…Rob? Rob! Come back!
Sorry, I’ve just spotted a rare lesser crested tern! Must go photograph it…thanks for everything Vanessa, bye!

—————————————

Notes
1. The photographic journey of bulldog can be seen here.
2. Original golf photo credit: Wodgie via photopin cc (Faces added by Vanessa).

Open Letter to TV Chefs Everywhere

Posted on March 27, 2013 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

105

Dear TV Chefs

I’ve been unwell for several days and have not managed to do much more than decant myself from bed to couch in the morning, and then back up to bed at night. I have pretty much just watched the Food Network all day, in between bouts of napping, for several days. An odd choice of viewing perhaps when I’ve had no appetite, but having the time to watch so many lovely food shows was an opportunity I couldn’t pass up.

I love your shows, I really do. However, having watched so many of them over the last few days, I have a few comments and requests…

1) When you are making bold statements like “You can cook this full three course meal in under 30 minutes!” please remember that we do not have someone in the background who has prepared all the ingredients, and laid them out nicely in little dishes on the counter ready for us.

2) Lead by example and practise good kitchen hygiene please. I see a whole lot of cross-contamination going on. I know most of the hand washing and cleaning happens off-camera because it doesn’t make for interesting viewing, but I’m sure you can find a way around that. Some TV chefs do. And if you have long hair, please tie it back, yeah?

3) I hate coriander/cilantro (note. coriander is the British word for cilantro). I wouldn’t mention this because of course we all have our likes and dislikes, except that this particular herb brings out extreme revulsion in a lot of people, read this if you want to know more. I accept that a lot of people do like it, but is it really necessary to include it in 4 out of 5 of your dishes?

4) It would be nice if you could show a little, just a little, restraint with your gushing self-praise about how delicious your dishes are when you taste them. It’s kind of embarrassing to watch sometimes. This is not helped by the fact that you are talking with your mouths full too.

5) I’m afraid I don’t own an oyster clamp. And I don’t own a set of 6 different sized double-depth hexagonal loose-bottomed non-stick fluted flan tins either (mine aren’t fluted). Nor a pierogi maker. Just sayin’.

I think that’s it. Overall you’re doing a great job, and if you’re looking for a TV Chef sidekick anytime, give me a call ok?

With fondest regards
Vanessa

photo credit: visualpanic via photopin cc

Did you hear the one about…

Posted on March 18, 2013 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

I once told quite a long joke to an old boyfriend. When I reached the end, he laughed and then told me that he had heard it before. I asked why he hadn’t stopped me if he’d heard it before, and he said “I like to see your face when you get to the punchline and you know you got it right.” Ha!

Telling jokes is quite an art. Aside from just being able to remember them, there’s the timing, the emphasis, the tone, all of those can make or break a joke. Everyone tells jokes now and again, and I think a lot of people can be slotted into certain joke-teller personality types. I’ve gone for a mixture of ‘he’ and ‘she’ in my list here; I can’t claim it’s a completely random choice, I felt drawn in particular directions with them, that’s not to say that both types don’t exist in both the sexes! Look out for these types at a dinner party near you…

Unfunny one-liner guy: He constantly comes out with very unfunny one-liners and jokes, and will chuckle heartily at his offerings. He seems oblivious to the fact that people aren’t amused. Instead he focuses on the one or two people who politely laugh, and accuses the others of having no sense of humour.

The comedy genius: Not only does he know all the best jokes, but his timing is brilliant. As soon as he starts on a joke, we’re already laughing because we know it’s going to be good.

The “What was it again?” joke teller: She remembers part of the joke, maybe the beginning, maybe the punchline, maybe the general story, never the whole thing; but this doesn’t stop her from trying to stumble her way torturously through it (I think I might be this one quite often!).

The inappropriate joker: The more sexually-geared or offensive the joke, the better. The problem is, he isn’t very sensitive to his environment and will come out with them at inappropriate times, leaving people feeling awkward and embarrassed. Call me a prude, but there’s a time and place, ya know? Similar to the unfunny one-liner guy, he will be oblivious to what he is doing and will continue to think he is hilarious.

The laugher: She remembers jokes, but find them so funny that she can’t get through telling them because she is laughing so much. We listen in anticipation with big smiles, wanting to join in with the laughter, but not having a clue what she’s saying.

The spoiler – He will ruin other people’s jokes, either by revealing the punchline before the teller has got to it, or by interrupting and correcting him along the way.

Can you think of any other joke-teller types?

And I couldn’t have a post about jokes without telling a couple -

THE ELDERLY MAN
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer asks, “Really? Who is giving a lecture like that at this time of night?”
The man replies, “That would be my wife.”

THE TALKING DOG
A man goes to the circus and asks the proprietor if he wants to buy a talking dog.
“A talking dog!?’ he exclaims, “Show me.”
So the man turns to his dog and says “What’s the opposite of smooth?”
“Rough” says the dog.
“What’s that stuff on the outside of trees called?”
“Bark!”
“And what do you call those big Elizabethan collars?”
“Ruff!”
“Another word for gossip?”
“Yap!”
At this point the circus chap stops him, “I’ve seen enough. You are clearly wasting my time. Get lost!”
As they walk home, the man turns to the dog and says “Well that wasn’t very impressive, was it?”
“It’s your own fault for asking such stupid questions.” replies the dog.

—————————————

Feel free to share any of your best jokes below, just make sure you tell them right ok?

photo credit: cindy47452 via photopin cc

What on earth will the aliens think?

Posted on March 11, 2013 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

Several weeks ago, Anne Woodman wrote a post in which she mentioned how strange the ritual of lighting and blowing out candles on a cake would seem to either aliens or future civilizations. This got me thinking about what else the aliens might find incomprehensible when they come to observe us. For the purpose of this post, we will assume that the aliens in question are…

a) More intelligent, or at least further advanced than us – a reasonable assumption in view of the fact that they will have discovered us before we have discovered them.

and…

b) Friendly; they are here to observe only – that way their observations of us are not clouded by thoughts of wanting to destroy us.

I imagine the conversation would go something like this:

HEAD HONCHO OF PLANET ZOBOG: So, Zxbrz, what do your latest observations of the earthlings reveal?

ZXBRZ: Well boss, they do something called ‘taking a photograph’.

HEAD HONCHO: What is this ‘taking a photograph’?

ZXBRZ: One of the earthlings will have a gadget. Upon his command, other earthlings will look towards the gadget, and freeze their position for several seconds while smiling. Then they will return to what they were doing before.

HEAD HONCHO: And what is the purpose of this?

ZXBRZ: It appears they are capturing a moment in time in order to relive it later.

HEAD HONCHO: So you are telling me they have mastered time travel? That they are able to capture time with this gadget and then go back and relive the moment again in the future?

ZXBRZ: It would appear so, yes.

HEAD HONCHO: Fascinating. They are more advanced than we thought. What else?

ZXBRZ: Tupperware.

HEAD HONCHO: Tupperware?

ZXBRZ: Yes. Tupperware are containers available in a range of handy sizes, perfect for the busy housewife. When the earthlings have finished a meal, they will place left over food into the tupperware containers. They will then place the tupperware containers into their refrigeration units. Approximately one earth week later, they will remove the tupperware containers, lift the lid, sniff inside, and then throw the contents away.

HEAD HONCHO: So they are conducting some kind of experimentation here?

ZXBRZ: That is the only explanation, yes.

HEAD HONCHO: And they are able to analyse and record the results with one simple sniff. Very interesting. What else?

ZXBRZ: Theme parks.

HEAD HONCHO: What are theme parks?

ZXBRZ: They are huge places where earthlings of all ages will gather in their hundreds and thousands. They will spend most of the day there standing in lines.

HEAD HONCHO: What are they standing in lines for?

ZXBRZ: They are waiting to use devices of torture. When they reach the front of the lines, they will be strapped in to machines that they cannot escape from, and which throw them around, up high, down low, round and around, upside down. It causes them to scream and sometimes it makes them ill.

HEAD HONCHO: So these theme parks are where earthlings are forced to go for punishment then?

ZXBRZ: No sir, it would seem that they choose to go there of their own free will.

HEAD HONCHO: I see. So they must have developed some kind of system of self-punishment. That is extremely efficient. We clearly have much to learn from this planet. Observations are to continue indefinitely.

ZXBRZ: And probing, can we start the probing now?

HEAD HONCHO: No.

ZXBRZ: Ok.

Any ideas on what else might be a puzzle for our alien friends?

photo credit: Great Beyond via photopin cc

It’s nothing that a good hero can’t fix

Posted on March 4, 2013 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

It all started with ‘The Towering Inferno’ and ‘Airport’. My love of disaster movies. I remember watching them on TV with my Dad, probably in the late 70s, and I was gripped. I appreciate the greater sophistication of modern disaster movies, but I still like the old cheesy ones too. It’s not that I enjoy watching other people’s misery…although for that matter, I’m hard pressed to think of ANY movie of ANY genre that doesn’t involve misery for somebody. But there are specific things I Iike about disaster films:

1) They are exciting and dramatic. They build up tension and get the adrenalin going, but I’m not left too scared to go and get a glass of water in the middle of the night after watching them like I am with horrors, or some thrillers.

2) I can follow the plot. I have a bit of trouble following the plot with a lot of movies. I don’t have that problem with books, but with movies I’m not always sure what’s going on in them. I ask lots of annoying questions to whoever I’m watching them with. Or I’ll read a review afterwards and think “Oh, so THAT’S what it was about.” But with disaster movies, let’s face it, the plots are pretty simple. In fact the plot is pretty much the same in all of them – a disaster of some kind is looming, we can see it coming, the hero/ine can see it coming too and they try to warn people but nobody really takes them seriously until it’s too late, it comes, it’s disastrous, everything seems hopeless, but thanks to the heroic hero/ine it’s all ok in the end.

What I don’t like about disaster films:

1) People always die in them. It makes the happy ending less happy when you know that people have died along the way. I don’t want people to die in them. Even the selfish obnoxious jerk who flips out and refuses to do what the hero has told him to do, and instead breaks away from the group to go off and do his own really stupid thing. Even him, I don’t want him to die either. I don’t mind if he gets a little broken toe or a nasty graze or something, but he doesn’t have to die.

2) I don’t like it when they’re based on real disasters that have happened because then I worry that it might be upsetting for the people who really went through it. But on the other hand maybe those people are glad that it has been shown rather than being forgotten about. I can’t possibly know, and there won’t be a one-size-fits-all answer to that one. But my instinct is to prefer the more fabricated ones like ‘The Day After Tomorrow’.

I’m thinking I might like to write my own disaster movie. I’m pretty sure it can be just as exciting and perilous without any deaths. We don’t have to see people die to know that there’s a high risk that they could.

Of course I’d have to include all the classic lines in it:

“We’ll be perfectly safe here.”

“In case we don’t make it out of here alive, I want you to know (blah blah some mushy stuff)…”

“All we can do now is wait.”

I will be sure to include the obligatory gorgeous model-like female who is much tougher than she looks, because as we all know, it’s practically impossible for a woman to be both beautiful and tough, so that aspect is always a real shocker in these films. Any difficulties that the hero/ine has with their spouse or children will be resolved when they discover what’s REALLY important. And there will be an elderly person who is willing to sacrifice himself if it can save others because he’s had a good life (but of course he won’t actually be required to do so because nobody is going to die in my film, but it will be heartwarming just to know that he was willing).

Yep, I think I’ve pretty much got the main elements sorted. Now I just need a story…

photo credit: Rufus Gefangenen via photopin cc

Do you suffer from blog envy?

Posted on February 12, 2013 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

129

Do you ever…

- Experience feelings of inferiority when other blogs seem to have many more followers and/or comments and likes on their posts than yours does?

- Feel waves of self-doubt when you struggle for ideas on what to blog about, and yet others seem to have a never-ending stream of great ideas?

- Start to feel insecure when you see people who have stopped commenting on your blog, are still commenting on other blogs you follow?

- Question whether there is some kind of conspiracy going on when you see blog after blog being Freshly Pressed, and you secretly feel that some of your posts have been better than some of the Freshly Pressed ones? (for non WordPressers – being Freshly Pressed is like receiving an Oscar for your blog. And for those of my followers who have been Freshly Pressed, I’m obviously not talking about YOUR blogs, no, it’s the others).

- Start to feel possessive of your blogging friends when they seem to be getting all super-friendly with a new blogger on the block?

- Notice that when you are congratulating other bloggers for certain successes, you are doing it through gritted teeth? (What exactly are gritted teeth?)

If you ever experience some, or all, of those symptoms, then you may be suffering from blog envy. Don’t worry, you are not alone. Another sign is that alongside those feelings are also feelings of guilt; those blogs that are recipients of your envy may be blogs and bloggers that you really like, those that you consider to be friends in the blogging world, and so you berate yourself for feeling anything other than pleased for them.

If any of that sounds familiar, then fear not, help is at hand. I give you Vanessa’s five steps to dealing with blog envy:

STEP ONE – As you may guess, the first step is to admit that you have these feelings. So I will start the ball rolling…

I am Vanessa, and in the time I have been blogging, I have on more than one occasion, experienced some or all of the above. There I’ve said it. And I feel better for it. I’m not talking about real green-eyed monster jealousy here, just some mild nighttime wailing and lamenting.

STEP TWO – Recognise that the envy and subsequent guilt has absolutely nothing to do with the blogs you are directing it towards, and everything to do with you and how you feel about yourself. Look again at the words I used in the list – inferiority, self-doubt, insecurity. They are feelings you have about yourself, and your abilities, and you are choosing to direct them towards other bloggers and what they are doing, rather than taking responsibility for them. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but it’s called tough love baby.

STEP THREE - Understand that envy of any form is a destructive emotion that only serves to make you unhappy. Really understand that. Make yourself a cup of tea, maybe nibble on a cookie, and think about it some more.

STEP FOUR – Write down your three main reasons for blogging. Then do a review of your blog. Are your posts ticking those three boxes for you? i.e. are you being true to yourself and your blogging purpose with your posts? If you are, then remind yourself of that regularly and be happy in that knowledge. If your posts aren’t meeting your blogging purpose, then think about why that is, and what you can do about it.

STEP FIVE - Accept that in the blogging world, you have to give in order to receive. You might be writing the most wonderful blog posts in the world, but unless you are investing as much time in reading and commenting on other blogs then you’re unlikely to build up a decent amount of followers and commenters. Also consider whether you are being a good host on your blog. Are you making visitors feel welcome by acknowledging and replying to their comments? All of that is your choice of course, but accept that you cannot expect to receive more than you give.

Whoa there Vanessa! I started out this post intending it to be very lighthearted and it ended up pretty serious there in places. Ah well, I’ll go with it anyway. I’ll leave you with one final thought, if all else fails, just remember that for every blog that you feel envious of, there is probably at least one blogger feeling envious of yours – well hey, you’ve got to get your comfort where you can, right?

Have you ever experienced any symptoms of blog envy?

green eyed barbie photo credit: swirlingthoughts via photopin cc
gritted teeth photo credit: drinkerthinker via photopin cc
squirrel photo credit: Tomi Tapio via photopin cc
comfortable dog photo credit: Josh Liba via photopin cc

Lost in Translation

Posted on February 1, 2013 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

Chinese Stop Sign

In a minute we’re going to have a laugh together, but first I would like to announce that the winner of the giveaway I ran on my interview with Lorna Lee is… Anne Woodman! Congratulations Anne! You are now the proud owner of a copy of Lorna’s book ‘How Was I Supposed to Know?’ (or you will be the proud owner of it soon). If you didn’t win, but would still like to get your hands on a copy (and who wouldn’t, right?), then the buying details are on this page of Lorna’s blog.

Now, that laugh I promised…I don’t usually do this on my blog, I prefer to write my own stuff, but as an antidote to the slightly melancholy tone of my last post, some simple laughter at other people’s expense is in order. I always laugh at these however many times I read them, and I’m sure even if you’ve seen them before, you too will laugh again. Some mistranslations from around the world…

IN A BUCHAREST HOTEL LOBBY: The elevator is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

IN A PARIS HOTEL: Please leave your values at the front desk.

IN A TOKYO HOTEL: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

IN A HOTEL IN ATHENS: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

IN A YUGOSLAVIAN HOTEL: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

ON THE MENU OF A SWISS RESTAURANT: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

IN A JAPANESE HOTEL: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

IN AN AUSTRIAN HOTEL CATERING TO SKIERS: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

ON THE MENU OF A POLISH HOTEL: Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.

IN A HONG KONG SUPERMARKET: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

OUTSIDE A HONG KONG TAILOR SHOP: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

IN A RHODES TAILOR SHOP: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

IN AN EAST AFRICAN NEWSPAPER: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

IN A VIENNA HOTEL: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

A SIGN POSTED IN GERMANY’S BLACK FOREST: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

IN A ZURICH HOTEL: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

IN AN ADVERTISEMENT BY A HONG KONG DENTIST: Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.

IN A ROME LAUNDRY: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

ADVERTISEMENT FOR DONKEY RIDES IN THAILAND: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

IN THE WINDOW OF A SWEDISH FURRIER: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

IN A SWISS MOUNTAIN INN: Special today – no ice cream.

IN A BANGKOK TEMPLE: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

IN A COPENHAGEN AIRLINE TICKET OFFICE: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

ON THE DOOR OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ROOM: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

AT A BUDAPEST ZOO: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

IN THE OFFICE OF A ROMAN DOCTOR: Specialist in women and other diseases.

IN AN ACAPULCO HOTEL: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR USING A JAPANESE HOTEL AIR CONDITIONER: Cooles and Heates – if you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

FROM A BROCHURE OF A CAR RENTAL FIRM IN TOKYO: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

TWO SIGNS FROM A MAJORCAN SHOP ENTRANCE:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

FROM A HOTEL BROCHURE IN ITALY: This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.

IN A NAIROBI RESTAURANT: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.

HOTEL IN GERMANY: It is our intention to pleasure you every day.

HOTEL IN SOUTH KOREA: Choose twin bed or marriage size; we regret no King Kong size.

HOTEL IN ITALY: Suggestive views from every window.

HOTEL IN ITALY: If service is required, give two strokes to the maid and three to the waiter. It is kindly requested from our guests that they avoid dirting and doing rumours in the rooms. Hot and cold water running up and down the stairs.

HOTEL IN THE CANARY ISLANDS: If you telephone for room service you will get the answer you deserve.

HOTEL IN FINLAND: Instructions in case of fire – If you are unable to leave your room, expose yourself in the window.

Have you seen any funny signs on your travels?

Picture credit: Chinese stop sign by Michal Zacharzewski, SXC

Have you lost your blogging mojo lately?

Posted on January 28, 2013 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

I’ll help you look for it.. Nope, it’s not in here…

I’ve noticed something over recent months, and it’s making me feel a bit sad. Some bloggers who used to post regularly, and comment regularly, have stopped, or almost stopped. They don’t write, they don’t call…I don’t see their faces in the comments section of other blogs they frequented. They’ve lost their blogging mojo.

I’m still looking for it…

Some people have made conscious decisions to stop, or cut back on their blogging because they want to devote more time to other projects. They still enjoy blogging, but have decided that they need to be strict on themselves if they’re ever going to get that darn novel finished! Or maybe they have personal issues that need attending to. Either way, they’re not the people I’m talking about. I’m talking about those who haven’t made any particular decision to cut back, but they’ve just stopped enjoying it. I’m going to break this group down even further into two groups.

Group 1) Those who have lost their blogging mojo, but they don’t mind. It was good while it lasted, now they’re done and they have no regrets. Maybe they’ll come back to it sometime, maybe they won’t, either way is fine.

Group 2) Those who have lost their blogging mojo and aren’t happy about it. They want it back.

I’m not concerned about Group 1. Sure, I might miss them, and sure I might run along the platform, teary-eyed, waving my hankie and blowing kisses at them as they depart. But I know they’ll be ok. Oh drats! I forgot to remind them to pack a warm sweater and some sandwiches…but no, they’ll be fine.

No, not there…ooh, hang on…is that a chocolate chip cookie?!

No, Group 2 is where my concern lies. It’s painful to watch. They used to be very active bloggers, full of enthusiasm for it, and then often quite suddenly, we hear nothing from them for a while. And then they post something, usually starting off by apologising for not having posted for a while. And they do a little round of visiting and commenting on other blogs. They speak of how busy they’ve been, but deep down they know that they’ve always been this busy. Then we hear nothing for a while, and then the same again. They’re trying, they’re really trying, but they’re not feeling it. They really want to feel it again, they want to get back the fun and buzz they used to get from it all, but writing a blog post suddenly feels like more of a chore than a pleasure to them; I can see it, I can feel it.

I’m not judging those people in any way, I’m just feeling for them. I’ve experienced similar things in the past on forums where I’ve been very active and then suddenly lost my forum mojo. It can feel like a real loss and can be confusing. You just can’t figure out what has changed. So if you’ve lost your blogging mojo lately, and happen to read this, which I guess you probably won’t, but just in case…I say this: Don’t worry poppet, we understand, it happens, you can’t force it, but if you find your blogging mojo again, then dive right back in, we’ll still be here for you, heck I’ll even bake you a welcome back cake! In the meantime, I’ll just keep helping you look…

HELLO!…Hello…hello……..ECHO!…Echo…echo…….Anyone in there seen a mojo?

Have you ever lost your blogging mojo?

I Don’t Got Cooties!

Posted on January 15, 2013 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

Whenever I watched American films or TV as a child, I would observe with some confusion the tendency for kids to accuse each other of having cooties. The standard response to this accusation was invariably “I don’t got cooties!” This was all quite a mystery to us British kids. We had no idea what cooties were, nor could we fathom the rather strange sentence construction with the “don’t got” bit. In the end, I decided that cooties must be head lice because I compared it to British kids accusing each other of having nits. My understanding now is that ‘cooties’ is actually similar to the British ‘lurgy’, i.e. some generic non-specific nasty germy infestation type thing. I’m not sure if head lice could even be included with the other nasties under the general heading of ‘cooties’, perhaps my American followers could clarify? But either way, I didn’t want to include the words ‘head lice’ in my post title because I didn’t want to put anyone off reading it, so I went for the altogether cuddlier sounding cooties, even if they are something completely different.

Anyway, those of you who read my last post will now realise where we’re going with this. That’s right, the head lice won the poll, and so I must now speak of their virtues. Mike Allegra (heylookawriterfellow) will support what I say, and will defend the lice if anyone speaks out against them (remember Mike, it was your idea). Believe it or not, I have managed to find four, yes FOUR good things to say about the very misunderstood head lice. Four might not be a huge number, but I bet it’s four more good things than you ever thought there were to say about them, right? Keep reading, I think you’ll be impressed…

1. Head lice have earned their right to be here. They have been around for millions of years, and evidence of them has been found on the hair of Egyptian mummies. They are part of history.

2. Mating attachment between adult lice lasts for more than an hour. Stamina like that deserves some respect.

3. When the female lays eggs, she secretes a glue-like substance to stick them to the hair. Recent studies have shown that this glue is made of proteins that are very similar to keratin. Keratin is a vital component in hair which provides its strength and resilience. Keratin is now a popular ingredient in hair conditioning treatments. That’s right, those lice are conditioning your hair.

And finally, the best one…

4. Head lice may be irritating but they generally cause no real harm, and they do not spread any disease. There is evidence to suggest that head lice infestations are in fact beneficial, and act as a natural vaccine to help you develop immunity to infestation by the far more dangerous body lice, which can transmit serious diseases (body lice can be cooties right?).

Come on now, if nothing else, you’ve got to be impressed by the fourth one yes? And let’s not forget the unique parent/child bonding experience of spending an hour, night after night, in the bathroom, painstakingly going through every section of hair with the nit comb, to the sounds of “Noooo!!! Stop!!! It hurts!!!”

Mike, it’s over to you.

Vanessa-Jane Chapman

40 something year old mother of two. Freelance writer and actor. This is my blog.

Category Archives: Random musings