Five good things I have discovered this Christmas

Posted on December 27, 2012 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

Discovery number 1: A super-duper, handy-dandy, egg timer! Maybe other people knew about these, but I didn’t (and if you did, why didn’t you tell me about them?!). You place it in a pan of cold water with the eggs, and as things heat up, a ring comes across telling you where your eggs are in the cooking process, and by golly it works! I like soft boiled eggs but can never get the timing right, so this is a miracle in the world of egg-boiling…

Discovery number 2: I am turning into my grandmother. Yes, every gift that is given to me or my kids is now viewed by me as a potential donator of wrapping materials that can be reused. So while the kids are ripping open presents, I can be found crawling around the floor collecting bows and smoothing out gift bags. Well hey, it’s not only frugal but good for the environment, so it’s nothing to be ashamed of right?

Discovery number 3: A great Christmas party food recipe. I’m not the greatest cook in the world, I’m not terrible, but it’s all a bit hit or miss. I therefore find entertaining to be quite stressful, so I’m always delighted to find recipes that are foolproof but still impressive. This one is rather decadent – 12 large pitted prunes, soaked overnight in 100ml brandy, stuffed with 100g stilton cheese, wrapped snugly in 12 slices of parma ham (prosciutto), baked for 10 mins, then served warm. The parma ham could be substituted with another very thinly sliced dry-cured aged ham, but it does need to be one with that type of strong flavour, it really wouldn’t be the same with regular ham. Also, keep in mind that with only a few minutes baking, it retains a pretty high alcohol content so don’t be dishing them out to the kids! I took a photo before putting it in the oven, I meant to take an after photo too but forgot. Obviously, it’s all in the presentation when you serve them!

Discovery number 4: Taking a walk on Boxing Day in the rain and cold and mud can be fun if you’re with lovely people and dogs. Here we are; well not me because I’m taking the photo, and not the dogs because they were running off somewhere, but the other lovely people! (You can tell how lovely they are even from the back view can’t you) -

Discovery number 5: That sometimes the best gifts can be the most spontaneous ones. A friend at a Christmas gathering loved a jacket I was wearing and so I just took it off and gave it to her – She was absolutely delighted, and it truly looked much better on her than it did on me. Just to clarify, I don’t make a habit of discarding and handing over items of clothing I am complimented on, but it just felt right on this occasion and it made me and her happy.

I know a lot of you are probably not doing your usual blog reading at the moment, but if you are, did you make any good discoveries this Christmas?

Oh, and just a quick reminder, you still have until 11pm (GMT) tomorrow to enter the giveaway in my last post if you haven’t done that yet – Author chat and a chance to win an Amazon gift card, oh yes!

Who Doesn’t Love a Wion?

Posted on December 12, 2012 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

Before I start, let me just announce that I shall be signing books in Waterstones bookstore this Saturday. From 3pm until security throw me out.

(Yes Guy, I know that was your joke, but I hope you don’t mind me using it! You probably got it from somewhere else in the first place anyway).

Well, today I thought I would list some of my favourite things for you. It all started the other day when I was going through some of my children’s old drawings that they had done when they were small. I came across this drawing my son had done of a Wion when he was about six I guess, and I thought to myself how it really is my very favourite drawing ever of a Wion -

Child's drawing of a lion, with the word 'Wion'

So here are some of my other favourite things:

My favourite words beginning with ‘S’

- Serendipity (Isn’t it just the most beautiful word ever?)

- Shenanigan (It’s a mischievous little word isn’t it)

- Sausages (It’s such a funny word, it always makes me laugh)

My favourite example of festive quick-thinking (mine that is)

When my daughter was little, we went to the Christmas fair at her school. While we were lining up to see Santa, an older girl came over and asked her if she was going to see Santa. My daughter confirmed that she was, and the girl said, “He’s my teacher!” I had a brief moment of panic before smiling and saying “He’s ALL our teacher”. Phew.

My favourite flowers

Sunflowers

Daisies

My favourite thing to do that I can do a little bit but wish I could do better

Sing (You’ll get to see a video of me singing at On the Homefront’s virtual party this Saturday. People will be joining in the party by providing recipes and entertainment and allsorts of things in the comments section on the day, and that’s where my video will be. Why not come along on Saturday and join in the fun!).

My favourite theme park ride

The Vampire ride at Chessington World of Adventures. I’m not very brave with thrill rides, but the Vampire ride has it just right, it gives me a bit of a thrill but without terrorising me. I don’t have a photo of me on the Vampire, but I do have this completely hideous photo of me on a different ride which I am clearly NOT enjoying:

My favourite film about a fish that gets fishnapped by a dentist

Finding Nemo (No, it’s not the only film about a fish that gets fishnapped by a dentist. There’s also that other one…you know that one…what’s it called?…well anyway, there ARE others, I just can’t remember them right now).

I think that’s enough favourites for now, but I feel there may be a favourites part 2 coming in the future…

What are your favourite favourites? (Or favorite favorites if you’re American)

Life’s great mysteries. Well, they’re not that great, but they are mysteries.

Posted on November 27, 2012 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

I promise there are no more videos of me singing today, although I can’t promise there won’t be more in the future. No, today we’re going to look at some little everyday mysteries that I ponder on.

1) Why is it that when you’re getting ready to go out, the closer it gets to the time you have to leave, the faster time passes?

2) Why is it so hard to say ‘Irish wristwatch’? Go on, try it, I’ll wait…

3) What is the magic power contained within the email ‘send’ button which enables you to instantly see every typo, forgotten attachment, or other mistake you have made, which you completely failed to spot, right up until the very second you pressed it?

4) Why is it that you can’t stick your tongue out when you’re looking straight up at the ceiling?

5) Ok, I lied about number 4, but it gave me a good laugh imagining you all trying it.

6) Why do vets insist on pairing your pet’s name with your last name, and then announcing it loudly in the waiting room, when they must know how embarrassing it is? My Dad was never very keen on having to take his old cat to the vet, knowing he’d have to sit there waiting to hear “Pudding Chapman!”

7) Why do warning labels state the obvious? On the back of my beer bottle the other night, I saw it said ‘Do not drink while trying to conceive.’ Well no, you’d spill it wouldn’t you!

Have you been pondering any little mysteries lately?

Four things that make me say “Seriously, how do you do that?”

Posted on November 1, 2012 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

1) Walk along the street reading a book: I have recently witnessed two people, on separate occasions, walking along the street, at quite a pace I might add, engrossed in reading a novel. How does that work? How can you be engaged with the story, while also being sure you’re walking in the right direction, and not bumping into anybody or stepping in anything unpleasant? Seriously, how do you do that?

2) Take an hour or more to put on make-up: It is not uncommon for some people to spend an hour or more putting on their make-up. If you’re being made-up as a character to go with a costume, fair enough, it can take some time, but standard make-up for day wear, or even an evening out takes me 10 minutes, not even that on some rushed work mornings. I genuinely cannot imagine what somebody actually does to fill an hour when making themselves up. If you’re one of those people who can do that, I ask you, seriously, how do you do that?

3) Work in Lush: For anybody who is not familiar, Lush is a chain of stores selling fresh handmade cosmetics and soaps etc. It’s a fun shop to visit; it’s like a candy store with big slabs of soap and products piled high, all colourful and fruity. The problem is the products are so overpoweringly scented that after just a few minutes inside one of their stores, I start to feel light-headed and queasy, and I’m not one of those overly sensitive types I assure you. I just can’t imagine how people manage to work a whole day in there. If you work in Lush, then seriously, how do you do that?

4) Jump out of a perfectly good plane…more than once: Yep, I did skydiving once and once was enough. Now if you think I’m just including this to show off about how brave I was, you are very much mistaken. I was not in the least bit brave. I was a terrified wuss. The only reason I was able to jump out of the plane at all was because I was strapped to a guy, and he jumped, so I really had no choice. It certainly didn’t enhance my experience when the guy tried to open the parachute and discovered that it hadn’t been packed correctly, so the cords were twisted together and the parachute didn’t open properly. That’s right, I said THE PARACHUTE DIDN’T OPEN PROPERLY!!! The guy managed to somehow pull and wiggle the cords whilst muttering things like “Come on damn it!”, and after what seemed like a lifetime, it opened fully. Have a look at the picture below, yes, that is me and the guy hanging underneath a NOT PROPERLY OPENING PARACHUTE!!! You can see how the cords are twisted. Look at the second picture of us coming in to land and compare how the parachute should look when it’s properly open. So yeah, jumping out of a perfectly good plane…more than once, seriously, how do you do that?

What makes you say “Seriously, how do you do that?”

Part two of silly things (and it’s not just me this time)

Posted on October 29, 2012 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

Before I launch into trivial matters, I’d just like to say to everyone affected by the hurricane – please take care, I’m sending you good thoughts.

A couple of weeks ago I told you about some silly things I have done. After posting, I remembered some other things, so here is a part two. I thought it only fair that if I am going to publicly ridicule myself, I should also publicly ridicule my friends too, so this list includes one of those.

1) A few years ago I was staying with a friend who had just bought a new Sat Nav (or GPS if you’re outside the UK and don’t call it Sat Nav). Just before bedtime, she brought it into the living room to show me how it worked, and then forgot to switch it off. I was sleeping on a large inflatable mattress in the living room that night. Shortly after I settled down, the Sat Nav spoke, “Please turn around” it said. In my half asleep state, I thought it was the mattress talking to me, so I turned around. I assumed it must be a highly sophisticated inflatable mattress which assessed your sleeping position, and suggested a better one. For what seemed like the whole rest of the night, every so often, it would pipe up with “Please turn around”, each time waking me up, and each time making me more and more frustrated. I can’t tell you the range of different sleeping positions I tried that night, whilst muttering with increasing anger “There! Is this better?!”.

2) A friend once had cause to send an email to a guy she had had a major crush on for years. The purpose of the email was a practical matter, but she wanted to word it exactly right so that it would leave the door open to possibilities, but without her actually revealing that she liked him. She spent over two hours composing the email. She did things like changed her story about how she had got his email address, she removed punctuation and capital letters to give the impression she had rattled it out in a rush, she put jokes in and then took them out. Each time she saved it to drafts. Finally she was happy and sent it off. Later that day she looked in her sent mail and discovered that she had accidentally sent him every single one of the different versions of the email over the two hour period, instead of just saving them to drafts each time! Oops.

3) Two recent occurrences in my local branch of Marks & Spencer:

a) A few weeks ago I was in the M&S changing rooms trying on a dress. While pulling it over my head, my arm somehow became entangled in the orange emergency cord and I set off the alarm. An assistant had to come and help untangle me, and cancel the alarm.

b) A few days later I was standing in line at M&S to pay for some underwear. A male sales assistant approached me and said “Shall I take those from you?” I must have looked a little concerned because he added “It’s ok, I do work here”. This set me off giggling, and not just a quick giggle, no, one of those embarrassing increasingly hysterical laughs, which carried on the whole time he was serving me, and which I was unable to stop. To his credit, he tried to humour me by joining in with a little chuckle every so often.

I’m not sure if I’m allowed back in Marks & Spencer.

I have more, but this post is long enough already, so it looks like there’ll be a part three (bet you can’t wait).

Be safe out there people.

Five things I would like to do to a stranger

Posted on October 23, 2012 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

Some of these I’ve seen elsewhere, and some I thought of all by myself.

I dare myself to do the following (when I’m feeling brave enough) -

1) Run into a shop and ask someone who works there what year it is. When they reply, throw my arms in the air and shriek “Eureka! It worked!”. Then run out again.

2) If a stranger stops to ask me something (the time, directions, whatever), look at them wide-eyed and then whisper “You mean you can see me?”.

3) Go to a cash machine and withdraw a load of cash from my account, then turn round to the next person in line and excitedly wave the money at them shouting “I won! I won!”.

4) Go to a fast food drive through window, one where you go right to a window to order, not one where you talk at a box. Start trying to give my order without opening my car window. However much the person keeps gesturing or shouting for me to open my window, just keep looking confused, putting my hand to my ear, and mouthing the words “I can’t hear you”.

5) If ever I’m in a restaurant where someone at another table has a dish that the waiter sets light to at the table, rush over with a glass of water shouting “It’s ok, I’ve got it!”.

What do you dare yourself to do?

A list of silly things I’ve done – provided here for your amusement

Posted on October 16, 2012 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

This may surprise you, but amongst those who know me in real life, I am known for occasionally doing silly things – I can tell you’re surprised, right? Here are five of them…

1) I once threw water from a plastic cup at my ear during a particularly hectic morning at work – the phone rang and I grabbed the plastic cup instead of the receiver.

2) About 18 months ago I had a bit of a car accident, nobody else involved, I just lost control of the car on a bend. The car spun round and hit a barrier and sign. I took a photo of the sign afterwards which is the photo at the top of this post. Can you read what it says?

3) On one occasion I took my car to a car wash. The machine was just about to start up when I noticed that I hadn’t yet closed my window. I had an old car at the time which didn’t have electric windows. I grabbed the window winding handle so forcefully that it came off in my hand, and there was no immediate way to fix it back on. There were others in the passenger seat and back of car, so I couldn’t really go anywhere else in the car; I had to sit in my seat getting soaked. Of course, as you can imagine, the laughter in that car during those few minutes more than made up for any inconvenience!

4) During a head-first slide down a water slide at Wet ‘n Wild water park a few years ago, I was concerned that I might lose my sunglasses. As I crashed into the water, my sunglasses flew off and I managed to grab them. I was so excited about not losing them, that I failed to notice my bikini top had come down leaving me fully exposed. My friend on the other side of the exit pool was laughing and gesturing to try and let me know, but I just thought she was as excited as I was about my not having lost my sunglasses. So I just bounded (and bounced!) through the water waving my sunglasess in the air and grinning madly, right past the line of people who were waiting for the slide. I’m pretty sure they must have thought I was deliberately streaking because of all that enthusiastic bounding and grinning and waving of my sunglasses in the air.

5) While walking into a shop with a big open doorway, my foot accidentally kicked an empty Coke can into the shop. There were several people waiting at the till and they looked round as they heard the clatter. In hindsight, I should have just picked the can up to dispose of it, but no, I decided that it would be a good idea to kick the can back out of the shop first. I tried, but it shot off in a different direction, so I then had several more attempts of kicking it around before looking up, and realising from the bemused looks on everyone’s faces, that they clearly thought I was playing with the can, kicking it around, tackling it. It must have looked particularly odd as I was dressed smartly in a work suit and heels.

So there you are. Do share your own tales of silliness so that I know I’m not alone!

Three tips to stop the kids from eating your chocolate

Posted on September 28, 2012 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

After all the scary spider and alien talk in my last post I thought I’d talk about something a little more pleasant today, chocolate. If you don’t have kids, then you probably don’t realise how tricky it can be for parents to indulge in their favourite naughty snacks when they don’t want the kids to have any. If you’re a parent, you know what I’m talking about. The frantic shoveling of goodies into your mouth while the kids are distracted by something, the secret stash you keep in the car. We have to get sneaky right? Here are my three tips for stopping the kids from eating your chocolate:

1. Find a really good hiding place for it

I’m going to save you the trouble of trying to find your own really good hiding place. After years of failed experimentation, you can take it from me that I have found THE best hiding place for your chocolate. Are you ready for it? It’s inside an empty cereal box, of a variety of cereal that the kids don’t like. You can then safely leave the box in the cupboard next to the rest of the cereal, and they won’t touch it. The added advantage with this is that if you’re bored you can amuse yourself by waving the box at the kids and saying “Are you sure you don’t want any of this?”. It’s such fun, try it.

2. Lie to them about what you’re eating

Of course you can only get away with this while they are still young enough to believe every word you say, and you should take advantage of that whenever you can. Try one of these phrases, or come up with one of your own:

“This? No, this isn’t chocolate, this is a brown vegetable bar”.

“Oh no, you wouldn’t like this type of chocolate, it’s very spicy”.

“This is a special chocolate bar that only adults are allowed to eat, you can have some if you want, but if the police find out you could be in trouble”.

3. Teach them about alternatives

Teach your kids that healthy snacks such as nuts, seeds, and apples can be every bit as delicious as chocolate…oh who am I kidding? I don’t even believe that myself. Ok, so it turns out I only had two tips then, but they’re pretty good ones right?

I know this all might seem very cruel, but remember it is for their own good – you don’t want them eating all that fat and sugar, not when you want it all for yourself anyway.

Happy chocolate eating!

5 Daily Simple Pleasures and 2 Weekly Ones

Posted on June 14, 2012 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

My last couple of list posts have focused on negative things – 5 Things I have grown to hate since having kids and The 6 worst (non-serious) things that can happen to you so this time I am taking a more positive slant with a list of simple pleasures that I enjoy regularly. But first I must give a shout out to my blog twin (as I now call her), mskatykins as she and I seem to be developing a habit of coming up with the same ideas for our blog posts. Only yesterday she wrote a post with a list of things she was thankful for, which is in a very similar vein to this post which I had already started composing. Anyway, without further ado…

5 DAILY PLEASURES

1) A hot shower – I love my daily shower. The hot powerful jets of water cascading over me, I could spend hours in there. It is also an opportunity for me to get lost in my thoughts. Many a blog post or piece of writing has been composed in my head whilst in the shower, even if it is interrupted with the occasional “Mum I’m hungry! Can I have…”.

2) The first cup of tea of the day - I drink quite a lot of tea and coffee throughout the day (don’t judge me), but nothing quite beats that first cup which serves to save me from the early signs of dehydration that have set in overnight.

3) Hugs – Hugs are great right? We hug when we are happy and when we are sad, we hug to say hello and to say goodbye, we hug to show sympathy or support, and we hug to congratulate. What else but a hug is appropriate to so many situations? I like to hug my kids and my partner as much as possible, and I’m sure you do too (although I do wish you would stop hugging my kids and partner, and find your own). But why stop at loved ones? Hug your neighbour, hug your cat, hug your neighbour’s cat, or if all else fails, hug yourself; you deserve it.

4) Eating – Eating is definitely one of life’s great daily pleasures, and I try to always make a point of appreciating having plenty of good food available to me, because not everybody does.

5) Laughter – I laugh a lot, as often as possible. If something funny happens I try and remember it often so that I can laugh again. I laugh about things that happened years ago, so the older I get, the more stock of things I have to laugh about.

2 WEEKLY PLEASURES

1) Cooking a roast dinner – Most Sundays, if we’re home in the evening, then I’ll cook a roast dinner. It’s not just that we all enjoy eating a roast, it’s also the cooking process that I enjoy. I hang out in the kitchen for the whole two or so hours that it takes to cook. I put the radio on, I pour myself a glass of something nice, and I have the laptop open on a counter top so that I can dip into Facebook, Twitter, and blog reading in between tending to the dinner. The kids will pop in and out wanting to help, or just to show me something. It is always a lovely, relaxed couple of hours for me.

2) Climbing into freshly laundered bed sheets – How wonderful are clean sheets? The gentle lingering scent of lavender and jasmine emanating from the cool crisp white cotton sheets. Heaven.

As you go about your daily business, it’s always worth taking a bit of time to appreciate the simple pleasures.

5 Things I have grown to hate since having kids

Posted on May 21, 2012 by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

1) Stickers – All kids love stickers. It’s a fact. And they stick them everwhere. Nobody told me when I was pregnant about how much time I would have to spend over the next few years cleaning stickers off furniture, walls, the floor, clothes, myself, the cat. At 13 and 10, my kids are past the sticker stage, but last week I realised that I have not recovered yet myself when the dentist casually asked them if they were too old for stickers and I snapped back, all too quickly “Yes they are!”.

2) Balloons – Yes, they look very pretty strung up somewhere, and that’s where they should stay. For many years balloons from parties were in my house, under my feet. Or making that annoying squeaky noise they make when they are played with, which eventually ended in the loud bang that scared the wits out of me. Then there were the extortionately priced large helium filled mylar balloons which I was begged to buy. I’m pretty sure I could buy a small island for the cost of one, but occasionally I would give in, and would then be faced with the stress of stopping them from flying away. When they did fly away, then there were the inevitable tears (mine).

3) Making sandwiches – Again, nobody warned me about how long I would be spending on this activity. Every morning there are sandwiches to be made for school. Every weekend there are sandwiches to be made for trips out. The sandwich making is never ending. I wouldn’t mind if there was some gratitude for my sandwich work. But no, there are regular complaints about the choice of filling, or the choice of bread, or the way they are packed (yes, the way they are packed).

4) Cuddly toys – I don’t actually hate cuddly toys, I kind of love them, but that’s the problem. What I hate is how they have taken over the house, there are so many of them, but I just can’t bear to throw them away. Not when they look at me like that with those cute little eyes saying “Please don’t heartlessly throw me away like a piece of garbage”. I can’t do it, I can’t get rid of any of them. I blame Toy Story.

5) Mud – I can’t say that I particularly liked mud before having kids, but I was somewhat indifferent to it. The problem is, in order to get from the car to the front door of our house, you have to walk over some grass, and that means that for at least half the year, you are also walking in mud. My valiant attempts to control it by enforcing rules of muddy shoes to be left by the door, always fail miserably. My sticker cleaning days may be over, but my mud cleaning days certainly are not. You wouldn’t believe some of the places I find mud, but that’s another post for another day…

Vanessa-Jane Chapman

40 something year old mother of two. Freelance writer and actor. This is my blog.

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