There’s a baby alien growing in my outhouse

Alien Nest

Whenever somebody comes to our house, we always ask them if they would like to see the huge spider’s web in our old outhouse. We have to refer to it as a spider’s web at first because they wouldn’t believe us if we told them what it really was. “Sure” they say, and follow us to the outhouse with a jolly smile on their face. We open the door to the outhouse, and they step in. As soon as they see it they stop dead in their tracks. The smile freezes on their face and they utter the words, “What the (expletive) is that?!”. They get a little closer, but not too close, nobody dares get TOO close to it. They ponder, they ruminate, they discuss possibilities – a giant mutant spider perhaps? Eventually however they come to the same conclusion as us. The inevitable conclusion. The only conclusion. This is no spider’s web, but is in fact a nest in which is growing a baby alien.

Now if you’re still thinking that this is just a rather large spider’s web, let me ask you this, how many spider’s webs have you seen that hang there like a hammock, weighed down in the middle by a large dark area? I don’t think the photo properly does justice to how large and imposing this thing is. Let’s take a closer look at the dark area…

Alien nest close up

I had to shoot that with a zoom lens if you’re worried about how close up this photo is. See how the weight of…something…is making it sag? What kind of shape is in there? I imagine it must be some kind of spider-based alien because of the similarities the material has to a spider’s web. Or maybe not. Maybe it’s just some kind of cocooning material that aliens use. Does anyone know what the average gestation period is for an alien? This thing has been growing here for about a year; I have no idea whether that’s long for an alien or not. We dare not touch it or attempt to take it down of course, but it would be good to know at what stage we might expect something to emerge.

Who’d have thought it eh? Science-fiction becomes science-fact, right here in Kent! Maybe I should notify the press, or NASA or something? I’m completely clueless about the protocol for alien discoveries. Any pointers appreciated.

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111 responses to “There’s a baby alien growing in my outhouse

  1. OMG – if this is not a hoax call in the experts – NOW!!!! Your house could be invaded by marauding arachnid based giants!!! EEEEEK! If it is a hoax – I blame you for my nightmares tonight!!!!

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  2. Haha, that pic is so gross!

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  3. Step away from the outhouse…
    RUN FOR YOUR LIFE and never look back.
    Do not make any clay replicas and if you hear musical notes being played, run for your life again.
    Do not tell anyone, and most importantly never lie down to sleep.
    Good luck. I am leaving now and you will never hear back from me again. Randy

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  4. It has been there a year?! Urghhh, seriously…what IS it?!

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  5. Cripes!

    Just burn down the outhouse and consider yourself lucky that you didn’t find this evil thing in a living space.

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  6. reminds me of something in a stephen king story, “from a buick 8.”

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    • I haven’t read that book, but I just looked it up after you mentioned it, and discovered that it was published on September 24, 2002, so if I had put this post up yesterday, it would have been 10 years to the day since the book was published, how spooky would that have been! In fact, it was around 6.45am UK time that I posted this, so it actually was still September 24th in some parts of the world. I need to read that book, my answers may lie within.

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  7. Spiders are amazing creatures. I’d be honored to have such a creation of nature in my back shed–not in my house, but in my back shed! 😉

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  8. Oh my word, it’s an alien all right. Not the good kind, either.

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  9. That is really horrid. How can you sleep at night knowing that’s out there? In fact, you’ve got your own “Paranormal Activity” movie going on. I think you should call a movie producer. You might as well profit off the creepy thing.

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  10. That’s got to be the nastiest thing I’ve ever seen….. Congratulations!

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  11. Vanessa,
    You see… People are afraid of clowns, when in fact, they should be afraid of Killer Spiders from Outer Space. There is no way in hell that I, with my bug phobia, would ever get close to this… thing.
    Le Clown

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  12. I love all the comments here; I got some good laughs. As long as you’re positive it’s not an old, abandoned scrap of netting, then I agree with Lorna. I think a spider spun it, and that possibly the “weight” in the middle is dirt accumulating, perhaps falling from the ceiling? I doubt that the web was originally built the way we see it now. I have a feeling it was probably up more against the wall, but the dirt (or whatever is in it) has caused it to tear away from the wall?

    What is the biggest spider you get in your neck of the woods? I have seen some doozies where I live. You really should Google “Biggest Spider Ever Recorded.” That’s what is living in your outhouse. 🙂

    Have an enjoyable, relaxing day.

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    • Thanks Kate, yes this has been a fun post with the comments 🙂 It’s definitely not an old piece of netting, unless someone broke into my outhouse at some point and strung it up! It came from nowhere. I know your explanation is very logical, but it’s not nearly as exciting as the alien one! We don’t get any very big spiders in the UK, well we think they’re big, but they’re really not!

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  13. This has IK and scary written all over it. Thank goodness I didn’t get invited into your outhouse. You’d have to peel me off the floor. Do you have another post like this saved for Halloween?

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  14. Vanessa, it looks alien to me. For one, how strong is the web? To start off with, that thing looks heavy. For two, if it is a spider, it must be a spider the size of a small cat, and I don’t think I’ve seen any spiders that big in the UK… not here in the north anyway. And for three, it feels alien. Always go off gut feeling! Great post!

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  15. Hello, Arachnophobia! Yikes! Have you checked the radiation levels around your neighborhood? Maybe it’s a native English spider that grew to immense size after some sort of secret government experiment that went horribly, horribly wrong.

    Gasoline. Lit match. Fire extinguisher to contain the flames and finish off whatever tries to escape. 😉

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  16. Oh my Word!!! I dislike spiders a lot but even that thing has me intrigued. I just spent 5 minutes looking on google to see if I could find anything similar and could not find one single thing that even remotely looks like that. I would be very very interested to see what it is.. Do you mind if I perhaps post this on my blog and link you in it to see if maybe someone might be able to help figure out what the heck it is?

    I vote that you call someone and have them look at it and see if they can tell what it is. Also you should squirt it with a long range water gun and see if it moves or anything appears.. Take video when you do it:)

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    • I certainly don’t mind at all if you post it on your blog, it’s great fun hearing all the different opinions. I keep switching between thinking “Well of course it’s just a big spider’s web” to thinking “Or is it?”. It’s certainly unusual! I’m not sure about the water gun, what if the creatures react badly to water?!

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      • I’ll do it this weekend and see what we can figure out. Did you do anything else with it? I would love to see video 🙂

        throw a rock at it and close the door quickly if you don’t hear anything then open the door again… if you hear high pitched screaming and thrashing around RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! lol

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  17. Oh my! What an impressively horrible thing.
    It must be a great opportunity to discipline your kids – ‘Be good, or I’ll put you in with THE THING!!!’

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  18. Damn… I would say “what the (expletive)” too!

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  19. I think the answer is pretty simple. BURN THE HOUSE DOWN AND GET OUT.

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  20. Okay I’m not coming to your house for tea! This is terrifying, Vanessa. I can only hope that this is some form of trickery on your part – you know, I’m sure Environmental Health/Rentokil can help you out with this problem!

    EEEK! Lol! 🙂

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  21. I’m relieved to hear that you didn’t get too close to it. It looks like it’s a bunch of dried leaves that have become caught in a whole big mess of spiderwebs, but then again I guess that’s how the aliens get you — by convincing you they don’t exist.

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  22. Nothing to worry about. Just approx 7 million and two little spiders waiting to hatch before heading for the nearest sleeping snorers in nearby houses. That’s why snorers make that nasal choking noise mid snore – it’s a spider entry. Well anyway, that’s what I tell the wife when she snores. :))

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  23. OK. Come clean. You put up your halloween decorations early this year.

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  24. I just saw this link posted in Robin’s comments and decided to pop over and take a look for myself. You know spiders are pretty amazing, take Charlotte for example, she could spell better than most humans can!
    Now back to Robin…

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  25. Woah! Move out now! seriously, before it hatches and eats you along with everyone you care for! *shudder*

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  27. I missed this post somehow! If it’s a tropical escapee (and it can’t be a native Brit, can it?) it’s become impervious to cold! Seriously, I would call in an exterminator or an academic expert to have a look at it! You may have a new species living out there! (And I might say, I could have developed my intelligent arthropod lifeform from spiders, but termites are much more peaceful and appealing little critters!)

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    • You know, my tumble drier is actually in there and the pipe at the back lets out all that warm moist air which is in the direction of that web, I wonder if I have created a perfect environment for a tropical escapee!

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  29. Hmm. Kent to Melbourne… Yep I should be safe here! 😉

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  30. Have you seen anything moving in it? I’d either called Fox Mulder or get a flamethrower.

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  31. I think the photo should be used as a prompt for some flash fiction at least. There are areas of my shed that have been without human contact for many, many years. I dread to think what is lurking in the shadows. Tonight’s nightmares sorted 😉

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  32. What. The. Frick.

    It’s “been growing there for over a year”?!! WHAT???

    Sorry, but I have to run away and breathe deeply into a paper bag now, V…

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    • I know right! That post was from over a year ago. Earlier this year I went in there and saw that the web had kind of dropped down to the ground, and there was nothing it it apart from dirt. So either there was only ever dirt weighing it down, or…

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  34. So it’s been four years What was it, or did it eat you?

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