Last week I posted about those occasions where we feel a bit Joey. The times when people around us are all talking about something, and we haven’t got a clue what they’re talking about. On Sunday I was reminded of one subject area where I always feel like that – gardening. Whenever I’m in my kitchen, I always listen to Radio 4. The one show where I never seem to get any wiser, however many times I listen to it, is Gardeners’ Question Time. I don’t know what anyone else hears, but when I listen to Gardeners’ Question Time, this is what I hear…
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Hello, I’ve had a Hodgepopolous Snuffleupagus in my north facing back garden for six years. It has always produced wonderful bilobilus flowers, rather like decatunias, but this year it hasn’t flowered and the leaves seem to have a touch of the skanky spotty spots. Can the panel help?
PANEL MEMBER: Ah yes, Hodgepopolous Snuffleupagus are very prone to the skanky spotty spots as everyone knows. I assume you’ve been cross-strippling the branches every year?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Of course yes, cross-strippling them every year, and strapahooning them every other year. But never galooning them!
(Hearty laughter from everyone)
PANEL MEMBER: Haha, I should hope not! Right, good, the cross-strippling and strapahooning are all up to date. What’s the soil like?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Chalky and a bit baulky. And I should probably mention that next door have a rather unruly Great Stickitupamajumpa just the other side of the fence, and it keeps shooting on my side.
PANEL MEMBER: Ah right. Now we’re getting somewhere. Is it shooting aggressively?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes, but I’ve put down some alkaline grouty pouty composting solution mixed with alganine block chips, and that helps a bit.
PANEL MEMBER: 2 parts to 1?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes.
PANEL MEMBER: Ok, well I suggest you score the shoots and ramble the brambles with dingdong spray. Then get together with the family next door, and all do the Dance of the Seven Veils under the light of a harvest moon while pigmy monks chant Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo and shower you with freeze dried hamster droppings. Then water it daily and hope for a sharp frost.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Thank you. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that, it’s so obvious!
If you’re anything like me with gardening, you’ll have read what I wrote up there, and not been completely sure which things might be real and which things I completely made up. I’m not really sure myself.
So, anyone want to explain gardening to me?