Bad Analogies

Anna Loggie (Analogy) being reprimanded

I had planned on announcing the winner of Come and play with Lorna to win an Amazon gift card today, but I can’t yet as I’m waiting for the winner to get back to me about something first. But in short, if you haven’t received an email from me, then you haven’t won. Sorry!

By way of consolation, I have an amusing list of collected bad analogies for you, although wait…most are similes, and…is that a metaphor I see there? Anyway, if you’ve seen these before, then I’m afraid you will be inconsolable around here today, I have nothing else for you…

1) Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

2) He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.

3) Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

4) From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

5) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

6) She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

7) The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

8) He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

9) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Vanessa’s note – I object to this one being classed as bad, I think it’s actually rather clever).

10) She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

11) The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

12) The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.

13) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

14) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

15) She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

16) The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

17) It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

18) It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

19) The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

20) Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.

21) The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

DISCLAIMER: Online these are purported to be actual analogies from essays written by high school students, but after digging a bit deeper, I discovered that they’re almost certainly not. This was after I had spent all that time creating the hilarious picture at the top of this post, so I’ve posted it anyway, because they’re still funny, not as funny as, you know, if they really were from essays, but funny anyway!
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photo credit: Original photo Paula Satijn via photopin cc, hilarious Photoshopping by Vanessa-Jane Chapman

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80 responses to “Bad Analogies

  1. I love those. You should write a short story and include all of them. You know, on purpose, like when you know you’re doing something.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Not sure if my iPhone is degrading or your WordPress account is f’ed up. I am betting it’s my phone.

    I wrote a response and it ended up being embedded in another one of your posts. So it REALLY makes no sense.

    I had written, that I had loved 7, 9, 17, and 18. But I won’t bother you again with labored analogy I constructed. If you’re interested you could read it there.

    Like

    • Well if it’s my WordPress account then it’s singled you out as the only person to screw up! It’s ok, I saw the notification of the comment come through on the other post and could tell that it was mean to be for here, complete with labored analogy.

      Like

  3. About half of these made me laugh out loud.

    In fact, was laughing like a person who thought something was really funny.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dammit! I forgot the “I” in my previous comment.

      I am as annoyed and gratuitously profane as a blogger who forgot to add the “I” to his previous comment.

      Like

      • Ha, I liked your analogy…or simile actually! Funnily enough I hadn’t noticed the missing “I”, maybe it’s a British thing, but sometimes we might deliberately leave out the word “I” at the start of sentence, if speaking in a casual way, so it worked for me without it!

        Like

  4. They are funny. Especially the bowling ball one and the ballerina. That number #9 vocabulary? It’s just perfect. Snortingly clever.

    Like

  5. Well, they might not be from real essays, but they were still funny. Since I’m not good with coming up with analogies, I’ll just leave it like it is.

    Like

  6. I didn’t win the prize..???? Oh ho,d on I didn’t enter, ok all is forgiven… I though my two favourite Ladies might be cross with me…

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  7. I like #3 and #14 the best. So has someone just come up with these to be funny?! They’re still funny, but it’s not quite the same. I know what you mean.

    Like

    • Well sometimes when things are in several places on the internet, it can be hard to find the source, but I BELIEVE that some of them at least were winning entries in a contest to come up with bad analogies, but then some of the lists of them “out there” have different ones, my list in fact combines a couple of different versions I found, so it could be that some are real (added by teachers?) and some are fake, can’t be sure!

      Like

  8. “The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.”—Ha! I hate when my lamps do that. So disrespectful.

    These are hilarious. I’ll just pretend they’re from real student essays because yes, that makes them even funnier. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I had read these before, more than once even, but they are still funny every time, so it’s worth it, just like writing a run-on sentence in a com-box is worth it! And I agree with your assessment of #9. I think #13 might be my favorite, but it’s really a tough call. They’re all terrific. Thanks for sharing.

    Like

  10. Yes, I’ve seen them before, but I don’t care. Apparently I have so little imagination that I find them funny every time 🙂 I like the one about the sound a dog makes just before it throws up, since, you know, I have a dog and it resonates with me the way a dog throwing up does. I was somewhat alarmed by the stapling your tongue to the wall. I don’t know how you do that. I’ve only ever stapled my finger.

    Like

    • Yes, I’m a cheap date when it comes to funny things – I can keep laughing about the same thing for ever more, if something is really funny to me then it will continue to be funny every time I see it or think about it. I don’t consider it a lack of imagination though…although, I’m not quite sure what it’s a sign of!

      Like

  11. I agree with the first comment Vanessa. I challenge you to write a post that includes them. Hilarious. 🙂

    Like

  12. Don’t tell me where they came from if it will spoil it…I had a really much needed very good laugh this morning because of your post. 🙂

    Like

  13. I agree with you on #9.

    I have a suspicion of where these came from…way back before the internet, I had a book of these types of things.

    Like

  14. I laughed out loud and then ground my teeth down to stubs. Sorry, some are hilarious but the rest make me hurt. 😦

    Like

  15. I wish I could remember to say a few in conversation and listen for the reaction. But then I’d wonder whether I had to share the reaction with you. That’s because Albert Einstein said, “For every action there’s a reaction.” What that has to do with anything I haven’t a clue…

    Like

  16. I think you should write a story with all of these. You need a challenge don’t you?

    Like

  17. I enjoyed these, and was glad to see that high school students had not actually written them, since I find them too amusing, and as a rule, high school students do not amuse me. As for number 6, I once knew an absolutely gorgeous young woman who had a laugh like a trained sea lion. Deaf people must have thought her perfect.

    Like

  18. I was laughing like a cow would laugh, if a cow knew how to laugh, with a low loud moo and a stomp of my hoof.

    Like

  19. Okay, here you go. John and Mary met like two hummingbirds (etc.). She had eyes like two brown circles…etc….and he was as tall as…etc. Mary had a deep, throaty laugh and was very graceful, like their dog Fido, who made that same sound when he was about to throw up or lifted his leg at fire hydrants. John and Mary had a child (John, Jr.) who was incorrigible, and could only be controlled by threatening him with power tools. Sorry. You’re going to have to take it from here.

    Like

  20. These remind me of the annual Bad Hemingway contest. Have you heard of it? People write intentionally bad masculine prose. It sounds a lot like this stuff. The best of the Bad Hemingway contest was actually gathered in a book and published.

    http://www.amazon.com/Best-Bad-Hemingway-imitation-competition/dp/0156118610

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh yes, I think I have heard of that! I love things like that, very clever. Your comment went into the approval queue, mine did that on yours didn’t it when I posted a link to a book on Amazon, I guess WordPress isn’t too keen on that!

      Like

  21. I don’t really mind if they’re genuine or fake – they’re just SO funny … 🙂

    Like

  22. Number 9 – I’m with you on that – definitely passes for quality social commentary these days 🙂

    Like

  23. That’s a funny blog – just like a blog that makes you laugh because it’s funny.

    Like

  24. I love student missteps. #14 about the sail boat and bowling bowl had to be the best! 🙂 🙂

    Like

  25. Thank you Vanessa-Jane. I have never seen these before and don’t give a good gollydarn where they came from. I had a really good chuckle and they have added to my apparently really dull life. PS your picture is disturbingly amusing.
    Love,
    Shalagh

    Like

  26. Pingback: Probably the Most Contrived Story You’ll Ever Read | Vanessa-Jane Chapman

  27. These are so funny! Though some of them sound terribly legit, like the analogies that only Terry Pratchet or Douglas Adams could pull off.

    Like

  28. I have seen these before, and I remember reading that they had come from HS students’ essays. When you say you discovered they really don’t come from HS essays, are you saying they are made up or that they come from adult writers who should try harder? 😉

    Like

    • I believe that most of them were made up for some kind of competition, although there are a few versions of the list circulating, some might be real for all I know! I don’t know if you’ve seen my next post yet, but I took up the suggestion that some of the commenters made here and wrote a story including them all – that was fun!

      Liked by 1 person

  29. A new surrealistic trend might sound like that… It takes time to be understood though 🙂
    Great share, Vanessa ⭐ Best wishes Aquileana 😀

    Like

  30. Too funny, no matter where they really come from. 🙂 But now it’s time to check out the story you wrote with them!

    Like

  31. I actually liked #10 but it would read better as “She grew on him like E. coli on room-temperature Canadian beef”. What’s wrong? Do I need help?
    I agree with you on #9

    Like

  32. You’ve been very bad! Hehe, it is actually me that is pointing the finger to you in the picture; you have used my Flickr photo. No problem, as long as you are a good maid from mow on 🙂

    Like

    • Haha! Is it? I always wondered whether people get a notification when I use a photo – I often access flickr photos via Photopin for this blog, and they provide the html text for us to credit the photo, and I was just never sure whether the photographer would be notified! The photo was a perfect representation of being bad! Hope you don’t mind that I added the text, I know we’re not supposed to tamper with the pictures we use, so I was being bad with that too! 🙂

      Like

  33. People don’t get notification when you use their photos or at least I didn’t get any. I came accross the picture when I Googled my own name. Indeed you are not supposed to tamper with the pictures but as long as it is done in good taste I don’t mind at all. You picture made me laugh and the more maids I can straighten out the better. Bad girl! 😉

    Like

  34. Naughty maids are just so annoying, aren’t they? … yes I’m here, coming nursie ……

    Like

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