I had planned on announcing the winner of Come and play with Lorna to win an Amazon gift card today, but I can’t yet as I’m waiting for the winner to get back to me about something first. But in short, if you haven’t received an email from me, then you haven’t won. Sorry!
By way of consolation, I have an amusing list of collected bad analogies for you, although wait…most are similes, and…is that a metaphor I see there? Anyway, if you’ve seen these before, then I’m afraid you will be inconsolable around here today, I have nothing else for you…
1) Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
2) He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.
3) Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
4) From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
5) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
6) She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
7) The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
8) He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
9) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Vanessa’s note – I object to this one being classed as bad, I think it’s actually rather clever).
10) She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
11) The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
12) The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
13) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
14) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
15) She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
16) The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
17) It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
18) It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
19) The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
20) Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.
21) The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
DISCLAIMER: Online these are purported to be actual analogies from essays written by high school students, but after digging a bit deeper, I discovered that they’re almost certainly not. This was after I had spent all that time creating the hilarious picture at the top of this post, so I’ve posted it anyway, because they’re still funny, not as funny as, you know, if they really were from essays, but funny anyway!
photo credit: Original photo Paula Satijn via photopin cc, hilarious Photoshopping by Vanessa-Jane Chapman