Tag Archives: marriage

Last Week My Children’s Dad Died

Candle and flower

We married in Las Vegas in 1997, eight days after we met. I was 26, he was 50. Twelve years and two children later he was sentenced to ten years in prison for a violent attack on me. He served half the time and was then deported. He carried out what I can only describe as a hate campaign against me, beginning in prison, and continuing from afar following the deportation. Last week he died.

I finally understand what people mean when they say “I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel.”  The usual response to that is “There is no supposed,” and of course that’s true, but it’s nevertheless an accurate reflection of where I’m at.

This isn’t a post where I want to say bad things about him – I was just giving the background so that you can understand why I would have conflicting emotions about this. My overriding emotion of course is for my children; I know what to feel for them, but I don’t know what to feel for myself. I’ve tried to focus on the fun times we had during the early years in Vegas, before everything went very bad, because holding on to negative feelings helps nobody. What’s the point in any bitterness now?

My children have been through such a lot. They were 9 and 6 when it happened, they’re 17 and 14 now. While he was in prison here in England they visited him many times, but since he was deported they’ve only seen him once. They still kept a close relationship though – emailing, messaging, speaking, a few times a week. Whatever he did, he was still their Dad and this is incredibly hard for them.

The news came early last Tuesday morning. We spent most of the day just sitting on my daughter’s bed watching the TV, interspersed with me messaging people to tell them the news, and leaping up to do little bits of housework which is my default when I’m not sure what else to do.  Every so often I would ask them a question, or share a memory about their Dad, just to give a prompt if they wanted to talk about him.

During that afternoon my daughter decided she wanted to go out with her boyfriend that evening as a distraction. So I asked my son if he wanted to go out too. He did. He chose the cinema. I took him to Five Guys for a burger first, and we were served by an extremely friendly and enthusiastic young man. After taking our order, he looked at us with a huge grin and asked “So, have you two had a good day?” and then stood there beaming at us, waiting for an answer. My son and I stared blankly at him for a couple of seconds and then both instinctively laughed. In my family we’ve always had the ability to find humour, even in the gloomiest of times, and it was nice to have that lighter moment then.

Saturday was the funeral. He had been living in the Philippines after remarrying a young woman there, so there was no way we were going to be able to travel out there. Instead we lit a candle for him at home.

It was crazy marriage from beginning to end. I wasn’t simply a blameless victim, I made plenty of mistakes too along the way, and at times I behaved badly. But we have two wonderful children out of it, and that’s the most important thing. As you can imagine there’s far more to the story than I’ve summarised here. But right now there is nothing more to say.

 

Three Things Thursday

I was trying to think of a catchy title for a sundries post for today and thought I was oh-so-clever coming up with “Three Things Thursday”. Then I decided to Google it and discovered others have come up with that name already. Sigh. Is there nothing new and original any more? And now I’ve just realised that it’s still Wednesday. Well I’m going with it anyway. It’ll be Thursday soon enough.

Thursday Thing One:

Last week I filmed some pickups for an independent feature film that I have a small part in called Marriage. It’s a small, but significant, part and I’ve loved being involved with this film. The filming began towards the end of 2012, and they hope to have the film completed and ready to rock and roll by the end of 2014. They need time and funding to get it finished. This is the trailer for it. There’s a very brief glimpse of me around 1min 44secs on the right hand side of the screen with a cut lip:

 

Did you catch me? And if you’re feeling really adventurous, there’s a 9 minute documentary about the making of it. Again, I make a brief, but slightly longer, appearance around 8mins 21secs:

 

Thursday Thing Two:

As some of you know, I’m one of the contributing bloggers over at the Limebird Writers’ site. For various reasons, we’ve decided that the Limebirds will be no more. It felt quite sad, but we’ll all be keeping in touch. The site will stay up anyway so that our archive posts can still be accessed. Our goodbye post is here

Thursday Thing Three:

For the benefit of some of my newer followers, if you’re interested in cooking, you may like to know that I also have a cookery blog, I don’t post there very often, but I posted something last week, and thought it was time I gave it another shout out over here. Here it is – Sugarness

And one final thing…oh wait… my three things are up! I knew I should have made this Four Fings Friday instead.

Well, enough showcasing of my stuff. Any Thursday things you’d like to share with the class on this fine Wednesday? Or while we’re showcasing, feel free to showcase, or show-off, any of your own things in the comments, go on, don’t be shy…